Tuesday June 12th, 2012 – Fox Lake, IL
Sometimes, too much freedom can be a bad thing. It has been with me unfortunately. I’ve been calling the shots in virtually every aspect of my life to the point of being pigheaded about it, and looking at the results I don’t have very much to show for it. I think it’s time to ask for some help.
Being a self starter is one thing, but self sabotage is another. Sometimes I tend to confuse those two terms and it has done way more harm than good. There’s a time to stand up for one’s dignity and self esteem, and another to shut one’s mouth and take it. I’ve made poor choices there also.
Sure, I’ve been right there to run my mouth and have my way – but then I’m standing in smoke from another burned bridge and after a while a pattern develops. I get so used to letting it rip that it gets easier and easier to do. It may feel good at the moment, but in the long run it’s not smart.
With age comes wisdom, and I’m seeing things a lot clearer now. All those mistakes I’ve made have sure taught me a lot, but they’ve also indirectly taken away a lot of opportunities. I’m never going to be one of those repulsive little ass kissers who always seem to get ahead in life, but I do need to tone down my cowboy attitude a few notches. The world just isn’t ready to deal with it.
If I were in the Mafia, I’d have probably been wacked by now. I just never believed in backing down from anyone, especially a bully. I’ve gotten myself into all kinds of trouble with my mouth way too many times, but I felt the truth needed to be said. Or typed. Maybe it did, but not by me.
The world and all the crazy people in it are not going to change simply by me pointing a finger at them and calling out their shortcomings. I have more than enough shortcomings of my own to work on, so for the time being I’m going to focus on those for a while. That’s the smart choice.
That being said, where do I start? Every aspect of my entire life seems to be in an unorganized flaming pile right now, and it took a long time to get that way. What do I do to straighten it out? Which pile do I start working on first? Where do I go for help? I don’t have any solid answers.
It’s extremely difficult for dented cans to trust anyone, and I know it is for me. I’ve been taken to the emotional cleaners way too many times by those who were supposed to be closest to me so giving anyone else a shot is tough. I can’t help but flinch, and it’s so hard not to expect the worst from people. I know that’s not the right way to think, but I do. That’s why I’ve been such a loner.
Well, that brings it all right back to square one. How am I going to move forward if I won’t let others help me get out of the rut I’ve gotten myself into? It’s a cruel joke, but that’s the situation I’m in and I have to do something about it or I’ll die like this. This is not what I want life to be.
I want to get out there and make things happen. Good things. Creative things. Things people in generations to come will be studying for inspiration. I want to make this wacky planet better than it was when I got here, but I can’t do that in the position I’m in now. I have to look at my whole life in detail, and honestly assess where I am in all areas. Then I have to come up with a strategy.
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