Way Below Zero

Monday January 6^th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

   If I ever have a chance to meet Al Gore in person, there better be an extra set of Secret Service agents on duty because I want a piece of that halfwit. I want to ball up both fists and make it rain bolo punches on his skull until one of us drops from exhaustion. Global warming me frozen arse.

   These are the winters I remember so well growing up in Milwaukee. Walking to school when it hurts to breathe is a memory no kid should have. I thought I was exaggerating how cold it was all those years, but I knew as soon as I stepped out the door this morning I had remembered it right.

   I had to take my rental car back today, and the engine barely turned over. I had to try five or six times, but it eventually started. It took about twenty minutes for the heater to get up to speed, so I waited inside until I saw the solid sheet of ice melt from the windshield. This is as cold as it gets.

   What made it worse was that I had to do it all over again with my car when I got to Enterprise. I also had to clean a foot of snow off the top, so that kept me warm and busy as I waited for their guy to inspect my rental to make sure I hadn’t been using it to transport cocaine or nuclear waste.

    The world was a giant Popsicle all day as people left their cars running in hopes they wouldn’t have to use their AAA. I would hate to be a tow truck driver today on one hand, but on the other it would be raining money day and night. This is the kind of weather that makes people relocate.

   The last few winters have been downright balmy compared to this one, and it’s only barely into January. This could hang on until April, and it just might. And to think I was in Tucson just days ago where people were actually bellyaching at night because it had gotten down to - gasp – 55!

   Personally, I don’t mind the cold if I don’t have to be out in it. I took care of my car issues and went straight home to work on putting together an email newsletter to hopefully be sent out next Monday January 13^th. I haven’t had one in several years, and it’s high time I get it started again.

   I think it’s a great idea to touch people with a newsletter, but there’s a fine line between doing good business and being a human mosquito. I never want to annoy people, but I don’t think once a month is out of line. It’s a great way to keep my name out there with bookers, friends and fans.

   I’ve been studying a lot of newsletters of late, and there are some very good ones. I don’t know how long it will take me to get to their level, but if I don’t start I’ll never have the chance. I need to just get something OUT, and I like the idea of making the 13^th of the month my personal day.

   Most people send one on the 1^st, and that gets cluttered. I subscribe to several myself, and it’s a chore trying to read them all at once. Hopefully mine will slide under the radar and stand out. I’d also like it to stand out because of quality content, and that’s another thing I’ve been working on.

   I sketched out an outline for the entire year. I intend to write a short humor article every month and also a ‘how to’ article for my students. I also will include any actual news that happened for the month, and a complete schedule of where I’ll be in the near future. This is exactly what to do to start the year right, and my pit crew Eric Feinendegen and I intend to have it out by Monday.

Hey O brilliant genius, it was -14 in Chicago today. I can think of a MUCH better place for you to put that thumb.