Train Breakdown

Monday April 14th, 2008 - Chicago, IL

Strange day today. On my way home from WLS the train I was on broke down smack in the middle of nowhere and we were all marooned like the passengers of the S.S. Minnow. It took everyone by surprise as the train stopped moving and we just sat. And we sat. And we sat some more. Then the conductor made the announcement that the train was broken.

There was something wrong with the brakes and it couldn’t operate so they were able to nurse it back to the previous station and let us all off. They said there would be a new one on the way ‘in a few minutes’ but that ended up being two and a half hours. What was the alternative but to sit and wait and it put me in a bad place in my head. I felt like a stooge.

My can has many dents but abandonment is probably the biggest. My mother left when I was a baby and that’s never easy to take. I was five months old and I can’t think that’s a positive thing for a child that small. James Brown talked about that happening to him also and how it was a lifetime source of pain for him too apparently. I know I struggle with it.

Especially on days like today when I was in a hurry to get home so I could get a nap and then make it back downtown to meet with Carrie Long who is an ex student who wants to help me organize comedy classes. She’s a six foot blonde with super model looks and has a wonderful sense of humor. She’s great on many levels and I know we’ll help each other.

Of course this had to be the day when the train broke down. I’ve never had any problem at all until now even though I’ve only been taking it for a few months once a week. Today had to be the day when a problem arose but that’s how the timing for Mr. Lucky works. It seems to always be at the worst time and I sat there today and thought about it as I waited.

I never intended to have a two and a half hour delay so I had nothing to read or drink or eat and there was nothing close by. I felt like I was dropped there out of the sky and didn’t have a reason to be there and it was just a big waste of time all around. Sometimes I feel a similar way about my whole life. I feel like I was marooned on this planet accidentally.

I had places to go and naps to take and supermodels to meet but I couldn’t do anything I had planned because the train broke down and I was stranded. I felt totally abandoned and alone and I’ve felt that way in my life a whole lot. That’s why I make some of the choices I make I’m sure. Trust is very much an issue with me because I’ve been burned so much.

That’s why this whole thing with my ex partner hurts so much. He stole money from me when he could have asked me for it and I feel extra hurt by it. I don’t want to ever have to deal with him again and in my mind he’s dead to me. I can’t stand dealing with that pain.

What I didn’t need today was two and a half hours to sit in a train station and have it all bounce around in my head. I tried to think of other things but my mind came back around to this a lot more than I wanted it to. The feeling of complete helplessness that I couldn’t change the situation stung me to my inner core. That’s probably why I’m a control freak.

I freely admit it too. I like to be in charge just so I can avoid situations like this. That’s a major reason I’ve always had a car. Or two. Or three. Cars represent freedom to me and to be able to go where I want when I want means everything. I’m finally figuring myself out.

My mother is probably never going to come back to me and at this point I don’t know if she’s living or dead. Unfortunately I really don’t care because the damage is already done. Even if she showed up tomorrow I’d have a hard time opening my heart to any kind of an exchange of feelings just because that hurt is so deep and so old that it’s taken roots now.

Hopefully I can someday help others who have had that same kind of pain. There are all kinds of stories out there and I’m sure a lot are worse than mine and it’s not easy to go on living life when there’s that kind of pain to deal with. Sitting around today with only time on my hands to think about this didn’t do anything for my morale. This whole thing rots.

I finally made it home about 5:30 whereas I usually get home around 2:30 on Mondays. I took a quick shower and drove back downtown to meet with Carrie. She’s a sweetheart and a ball of energy and I know I can help her and she can help me too. We had fun for a while but I had to leave quickly and head over to Zanies to host the new talent showcase.

Tonight’s show was extra strong. There was a great lineup of comedians and the crowd was amazing and I had a chance to do some time up front and it was really fun. This is my way of putting salve on my pain and if I needed any it sure was tonight. I was friends with most of the comedians who went up tonight so that made it extra special to see them rock.

My friend Marc Yaffe came in from northern California. We met back in 2003 when we did the San Francisco Comedy Competition together and stayed in touch. He has a Native American comedy tour he books and he’s one of my all time favorites on stage and off. It was great to see him go up and blow the room away as did a lot of my other friends too.

There was an ugly situation too. The guy my ex partner is going to do classes with came out to the club to allegedly watch one of the showcasers. I have tried to help that guy for a long time but he continues to do things to sabotage that and I had to finally stop trying.

He is a very intelligent person but has no street smarts at all. He doesn’t see that he does the damage to himself and people don’t want to work with him after a very short time but that’s not my fault. I tried a lot harder to help him than most and he still stuck it to me for my efforts by going behind my back and teaming up with the other guy who stole money.

This is all a high school game and uncalled for and I wish I didn’t have to even discuss it but it happened and I am. Anyway, he showed up tonight and apparently Zanies has had enough of him too and cancelled his future work. Now he thinks I had something to do in that whole mess but I totally didn’t. He did it to himself but apparently I’m getting credit.

This whole day has been full of these kinds of things I really don’t want to deal with but they just kept coming anyway. At least we had a hot show though. That’s what I live for.