I Guess I'm Back

Wednesday September 17th, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

I guess I’m back again. I have been receiving calls and emails from people I don’t even know telling me to keep going with my diary so I am going to do it. I appreciate all those who took time to pass along a good word but that’s really not why I stopped. I was tired.

Then I stopped and realized I was wrong. I wasn’t so much tired as frustrated. I felt like I was in a mental mud rut spinning my wheels. I know I’m a dented can and have battled, boxed and kung fu fought depression for many years. This was another spat but no matter how long they last or how deep they go I always have a creative surge directly afterward.

ALWAYS. It’s like a rainbow after a thunderstorm. If I slide into the darkness I end up at the other end of it loaded with ideas and can see things I didn’t see before. If that’s the definition of manic then maybe that’s what I’ve got but it’s so erratic I can’t define it with any degree of certainty. The fact is sometimes I slip into a funk and it’s a place I abhor.

The place I am always happy to be is lost deep in creativity. It doesn’t matter if I’m on a stage or in a radio studio or doing a crossword puzzle or writing jokes (or anything else) it focuses my inner hurricane and stops it from wiping out my happiness. I love to be busy.

Wait - check that. I love to be busy at something I enjoy doing. One of my problems is I enjoy doing a lot of things and then I let everything else lapse and I am back in a funk one more time. I don’t like that formula but it’s been pretty consistent over the years. It’s time to break through and make my mark in life. I don’t want to die with any fun left inside.

I still have a great opportunity to make a mark in the comedy world. I am a kick ass act and the sooner I believe that the better it will serve me. I know I can hang with just about anyone working today famous or not on an ability basis. Now I have to do business better.

I heard from the Craig Ferguson Show talent booker today and she said she couldn’t get her computer to open the file I sent her so I cut and pasted it and sent it to her in an email. I didn’t make excuses like I have in the past and I didn’t let it go thinking deep inside I’m not good enough to get on the show. I am absolutely good enough and I want to go do it.

This is not only for me but for all the dented cans and underdogs in life who were told it wouldn’t happen or that they’d never amount to anything. I heard that from my father but I never believed it and now he’s dead so it doesn’t matter at all what he thinks anymore.

It never really did. I knew from an early age he wasn’t in my corner so that freed me up to pursue my comedy dreams, many of which I have seen become reality. Now there’s the opportunity to rework that dream and change my direction and take it to a higher plane.

The thing Vince Lombardi talked about and my grandfather and many others who know about achievement all talk about giving 100% TOTAL EFFORT. That’s where to find the true victory in any endeavor. I wasn’t giving that so that’s why I think I felt so frustrated.

It isn’t easy to have a full out effort on anything because it’s HARD WORK. It’s mental and physical work and it requires planning and follow through and one glitch can throw a monkey wrench into everything and wipe it all out. I know, I’ve had it happen frequently.

Tough. It happens to everyone and it’s part of the game. Those that can’t deal with it are never going to see their dreams come true and they’ll be even more miserable than I am. I am not going to make any excuses or blame anyone else. It’s up to me to get myself going in the right direction but it doesn’t mean I can’t surround myself with fun people to do it.

I took a long walk today and thought about a lot of things as I usually do. There is a tiny bit of fall in the air but the weather was more summer like and the sun either baked all my ideas in or out of my head. I’m still not sure. I do know they were flowing all over today.

What I need to do is sort out exactly what I want to do and where I want to go. Then I’ll go through my list of contacts and see who is still on the good side and pick the ones who I think will want to come along for the ride. Contacts are a very important part of all this.

I really am sorry about what went down with the whole embezzlement thing with my ex business partner. That’s going to be an issue for a while but how I handle it will shape the outcome of the situation. If I flip out and do something stupid I’ll wind up in prison. I am not afraid to go to prison and that alone should be frightening to anyone who crosses me.

That’s not what I feel is the right thing to do though. The truth is he and his two minion morons are followers and not leaders. They never had the idea to do a comedy class. I did. I thought of it, developed it, put it into practice and most of all - I enjoyed it. I loved all of the aspects of it but they’re not in it for love. They think they are going to make a fortune.

Maybe they will. Even so, there is enough left over for me. I don’t need all that much to totally change my life in a positive way and if I focus on those three rat terds it will lessen my ability to enjoy my own accomplishments. That’s SO difficult to remember but I need to or it will drive me over the edge. This is the delicate thought balance I need every day.

I looked through my contact list today and there are a lot of names I haven’t crossed any paths with for far too long. That alone will keep me busy for weeks and I need to start the process ASAP. The first thing I need to do is update all my previous list of bookers on my current avails for work. I’ll put some work on my calendar just from that and I can use it.

The Uranus Factory Outlet project is my baby and that is one thing I am not going to let die before I do. No matter if it blows up in my face or makes me world famous I am going to get my head out of the fog and right into Uranus. I have books to read and funny things to sell and smiles to put on faces of people all over the world. This is my true life’s work.

I did not stop writing because I was looking for sympathy or anything else. I thought I’d run my course with this but the notes I got from so many proved me wrong. Now I’ll take it upon myself to prove everyone was right and give them something good to read about.