Undenting My Can

Wednesday December 17th, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

Two weeks to go in 2008. What a year it’s been. Lots of people will look back on it as a turning point in their lives because they lost their job or house or both. Gas prices went up through the roof and back down again and the world seems to be spinning out of control.

As for me I’m holding out pretty well actually. The holidays aren’t bothering me at all. I can remember going into deep depression funks in the past at this time of year but I’m not even thinking about it this year. I don’t know why that is but I’m sure not complaining.

I think a big part of it is that I know in my heart I tried my very best to make things right with my family. My father was an ass pipe and never did change his evil ways but at least I had the cahones to seek him out and have a face to face with him. I stared him down and looked him in the eye and told him exactly how I felt and didn’t leave any thought unsaid.

It was very difficult and uncomfortable to do that and he didn’t seem to understand how much needless pain and angst he brought to all of us but at least I got a chance to tell it to him in person before he died. We never did develop a relationship but I tried my best.

My siblings and I are probably never going to speak again either and that used to bother me a lot but now I don’t even care about that anymore. I tried my best to contact each one of them and sincerely apologize for whatever I did to ever upset them and I meant it very much. They all chose to blow me off and not even answer me so now I guess it’s all over.

I’m not saying I’m without fault but I thought that if someone asked for forgiveness it’s supposed to be at least discussed a little. I didn’t murder or rape anyone or commit crimes punishable by the law, I just was a member of a wacked out family that never was close.

This is what being a dented can is all about. It’s not pleasant or easy but making a right choice just because it is indeed the right choice is the correct thing to do. I could’ve easily chose to be a drunk or a druggie or a loser like my father but I sucked it up and did what I could to make some wrongs right. Even though the results weren’t great I’m glad I did it.

The one time it did turn out right was with my grandmother. We hadn’t spoken in eight years but we eventually came back in touch and had a fantastic relationship at the end of her life. It made up for the painful years before that and I hoped to do it with my siblings but now it doesn’t look good after trying many times to reconnect. But at least I did try.

Now it’s just time to move on. And I am. All that past hurt is either healing or so old it killed all the nerve endings but either way I’m not feeling it right now. I’m feeling a new spirit of adventure growing inside me and I want to get out there and make it come to life.

I don’t know if I’ll ever totally get all the dents out of my can but if I can at least pound a few out I won’t stand out so much when I’m on the shelf with others. There’s still time to do something very productive with my life. I don’t want to let my past pain stop that.