The Batman Shirt

Wednesday September 19th, 2007 - Milwaukee, WI/Lake Villa, IL

Today was a day to tie up loose ends but I didn’t get around to much of what I intended to tie up. I slept longer than I wanted to because I got in so late but I still got up relatively early and started to work. I got a phone call at 8:30 from my friend Joey Callahan which is taboo between comedians but he’s a good guy so I didn’t razz him about it. Well, not hard anyway. He knew he was breaking an unwritten rule but he wanted to thank me for a pack of Notre Dame wear I sent him for his birthday. He loves Notre Dame and I was there last week in South Bend so I got him some stuff knowing he’d love it. He did and I feel good.

If I know somebody likes a certain thing I like to surprise them when I find a trinket I’d think they would enjoy. That goes back to my older brother when I was a kid. I tell jokes about being a little brother and I am one but my brother Larry is a kind soul. I pretend on stage that he was a weenie but in reality nothing could be further from the truth. OTHERS were mean to me so I know of what I’m talking about but as for my real brother he wasn’t mean at all. I wish we could have been closer growing up but he lived with my father and I was raised mostly by my grandparents. I saw him once in a while but not every single day.

I loved Batman when I was a kid and when I got my first junker car I painted it to look like the Batmobile complete with bat signals on the doors and everything. I was thought of as a wack job even back then but I didn’t really care. It was fun and I loved it and he knew I loved it and didn’t make fun of me at all. If nothing else in my life at least I’ve tried stuff.

One day we were walking through a flea market and there was a vintage Batman t-shirt which at the time was about the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I was about 16 or 17 and he is two years older. The shirt cost $10 and that was almost a full tank of gas back then if you can believe it. I was tight on cash and didn’t really need the shirt but I sure did like it a lot.

Right before we were going to leave he said ‘Hey, I have to go to the bathroom before we get in the car. I’ll be right back.’ He was gone a lot longer than I thought he should be to use the bathroom and I was impatient and wanted to leave. Just then he sauntered back.

I was going to let him have it for making me wait so long but then he pulled the Batman shirt out from behind his back and said ‘I know what it’s like to really want something and I know you wanted this shirt so here it is. NOW we can go home.’ My brother my hero.

That was my favorite article of clothing for years and if it hadn’t worn out from so many washings I’m sure I’d still have it today. The kindness it took to buy that for me was about as pure as it gets. He didn’t have any reason to do it other than he put himself in my shoes and guessed that I would enjoy having that shirt. His guess was right on and all these years later I still think of it fondly and hold my brother in high esteem. It doesn’t take a miracle.

The funny thing is I brought it up to him a few years ago and he didn’t even remember it at all. I told him it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me and he looked at me like I was nuts and shook his head and said ‘I think the only bats are in your belfry.’

I really miss my brother. I haven’t seen him in a few years and don’t know how to get in touch with him. The last time I heard he didn’t have a phone and was going through some life problems of his own. He went through a bad divorce from what I heard and we drifted apart over the years. I tried to stay in contact with him and he was always nice to me when I would see him but he was just never one to call me and stay in touch. I’m not sure why.

I think some of it had to do with my father. My father would bad mouth me to him and I know he didn’t enjoy being in the middle of it all. He always told me ‘I don’t want to have to choose between you or him so I’m staying out of it.’ I guess I can understand his point but it seems now like it was all a big waste of years we could have spent being brothers.

We haven’t seen each other in a few years now and I have no idea how to contact him at all. He doesn’t have email and he isn’t listed in the phone book so I am hoping to have the chance to see him again. Hopefully now that the old man is gone things can start to heal. It would really mean a lot to be able to sit down as a family and clear out the old ugly past.

The holidays are not that far away and I’m afraid of how this will all turn out. It’s been a sore spot for so many years that I don’t want to blow it now by saying the wrong thing or not saying what I was supposed to say or some other thing that starts hard feelings again.

Whatever happened was a long time ago and we’ve gone separate ways and lived apart. I am the one who was the drifter and chose to leave rather than stay in that cesspool mess. Now the one who was the leader is dead so I hope the sewer pipe can finally be shut off.

My younger half brother Bruce has been great in all of this since Darth Father’s passing. He has kept me updated and been willing to forget the past and start over and he has been fantastic. He gets it. I respect that and would love to see him in person but we haven’t had a chance to do that yet. I’m hoping it can be this year at the holidays but nothing is solid.

This is not going to be an easy process but at least there is still a chance of it happening. I didn’t get any resolution from my father and now I never will. My mother abandoned us when I was a baby and I’ve only seen her three or four times in my life. I don’t feel a need to see her at all and at this point she is dead to me. Any mother/son relationship is burned. I don’t even know where she is anyway or if she’s living or dead. It’s sad but I don’t care.

The reason I write about this stuff is not to look for sympathy or be a downer. I’m being real and letting out what’s bouncing around in my head. Other entertainers have stories to make my life look like Prince Harry’s and that’s what makes for a good entertainer. Pain.

We NEED that stage because it’s the only form of acceptance we ever get. It’s not pure love but it’s a methadone equivalent and the closest many of us will come to finding love. I know how much I appreciated my brother buying me a Batman t-shirt many years ago. If I can make someone else feel anywhere close to that by buying a Notre Dame jacket or by doing a comedy show then that’s what I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing. This is all that I want to do is keep making others feel good. To me that’s what life here is about.