Mental Toughness

Saturday May 3rd, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

It’s been one week since my nightmare in Topeka but it seems like a lifetime. It rang the wrong bell in my head and the ringing is still in my ears today. That one little incident did not in itself bring me this far down though. It was a domino that knocked over the others.

I’m still hurting from a lot of things in the past like getting fired from the Loop in 2004. I was on my way to financial freedom and creative freedom too. I would have been sitting really pretty right now had it just kept going like it was going but who can control the fact that the station was going to get sold out from under us? That was just an unlucky break.

A lot of people have unlucky breaks but I’ve had more than my share. Getting fired out in Salt Lake City in 2001 was another one. There was no reason for it other than the idiot in charge was looking to ‘make changes’ for no apparent reason and I was on the hit list.

He admitted later that it was a mistake but what good does that do? I’m gone and I lost my house and it ruined my credit forever and that was a brutal experience. Just as I was in a place to bounce back at the Loop then that blew up in my face and I had to go back to a life on the road when I thought I’d made some inroads. Now it’s 2008 and I’m in a funk.

A lot of people have ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda’ thoughts and ‘what if’ and all that but if I had caught even one break I wouldn’t be in the spot I’m in now. I chose radio because it felt like the right thing to do and I still think I could be good at it but it’s not stable at all.

For whatever reason I chose THE most difficult profession there is. Being a comedian is extremely difficult but it’s all that keeps me going. I love the actual shows but every other part of it is getting worse and worse. Radio has a whole other dark side and I don’t have a desire to keep getting my ass handed to me by some clueless halfwit with two first names.

There have been other people in a similar spot I’m in now. Richard Pryor walked off the stage in Las Vegas and drove back to L.A. and totally started over doing an act he wanted to do. He found his voice and an audience to hear it and his story had a positive ending.

Lewis Black is another one. He had resigned himself to managing a theatre and thought he would never get his shot at the big time but he did. Now he’s had a very nice run and it isn’t necessarily over yet. He’s doing quite well and he deserves it. He’s worked for it all.

But I’ve worked for it all too. I have rolled the dice time after time and have everything I own invested in what I’m doing. I suppose I could have ‘settled down’ and gotten a job at some hellish civil service job like my grandfather wanted me to but I don’t think I’d be out of prison yet for the bloody rampage I’d have gone on doing that. That just isn’t me.

I’m a comedian and a damn good one and there are people who really enjoy what I do. I just want to be able to keep doing it and getting better and making people’s lives better. It shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? I’m still taking lumps and my whole being is tired.

But nobody wants to hear that. Hell, I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear about good things happening to good people. Is that possible? I think it is or I would have sucked that bullet years ago. This is a time to dig in and get tough and come out swinging my hardest.

I don’t feel tough right now but nobody knows that. Nobody cares either. If I did put the bullet in my head the only person who would care would be the poor schmuck who had to mop up the mess. I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. My life will be over soon enough.

The true happy ending in all of this would be to hang in there and turn my life into what I always dreamed it would be. I would have a great career with thousands of people lining up to see me whenever I perform. I’d give them a great show and then shake their hand on the way out and thank them for coming. I would make everybody‘s day a little bit better.

Then I’d have a beautiful wife who is smart and funny and interested in a lot of the very same things I am but she’s still her own person. I’d have a house full of kids that love me and they don’t even have to be my own. I wouldn’t mind adopting and I’d love them like they were my own. Love is love and all kids need it. I know what it’s like to be rejected.

My offstage work would be even better than my onstage work. I’d love to donate money and time and effort into making as many people’s lives better as I could. Young or old or black or white or rich or poor doesn’t make a difference. I want to reach out to my fellow humankind and spread some goodness around. I want to plant trees I’ll never sit under.

I want to see the sparkle in a kid’s eye when there’s a Christmas present with their name on it under the tree when there’s never been one before. I want to see an elderly person at a nursing home’s eyes light up when a group of kids come in and sing some songs for the whole place and then hand out balloons afterward. I want to create that energy every day.

I want to help young comedians learn the ropes of the business so they’ll be able to live their dreams of being a full time comedian just like I’ve been able to live mine. I want the feeling of being a mentor to people who need one and be able to plant seeds of success in people that will last a lifetime and also spread off into other people I haven’t even met.

These are all great things and I still want to accomplish them but I can’t if I’m in a funk and keep getting hammered like I have been. If there is a God out there why can’t he help me find what I’ve been looking for? I don’t feel love from God or anyone else but even if I don’t I’m still going to keep on slugging and give of myself until I have nothing left.

Life is cruel and I’m SO sick of that part. It’s never going to be fair so I’m giving up on that hope for good. I just want some of that unfairness to go my way for once. It wouldn’t take all that much to turn this whole big mess around and salvage a decent life for myself.

But it wouldn’t only be for myself. I’d bring as many good people with me as I could. It would be good for the whole of humankind and I would think we could all use that about now. Mental toughness is something I need right now but this is the toughest time for it.