Airport Aggravation

Sunday September 13th, 2009 - Salt Lake City/Denver, CO/Milwaukee, WI?

What goes up, must come down. What goes on the road, must come home. Travel is the one part of comedy that never changes. When I started it was 99% driving. Once in a blue moon I’d take a train or a bus but usually it was miles and miles behind the wheel of a car without fail week after week. It was several years before I ever was able to afford to fly.

These days it’s about half and half, driving vs. flying. There are enough gigs close to me in the Chicago area to which I can commute and that’s why I’ve continued to live there as long as I have. Flying to gigs used to be my big aspiration but now it‘s just a chore. I can‘t stand the hassles of having to take my shoes off and get cattle prodded before every flight.

Airport security is a complete waste of everyone’s time. 9/11 terrorist check my ass. Do I look like I belong to the Taliban? I don’t even have any facial hair. And even if I should arise suspicions in line, surely the 85 year old grandma with the knitted purse they’ve got pushed up against the wall clogging the toilet for everyone else can’t be very dangerous.

I guess I just resent the fact I have to pay for ONE individual nut case who decided he’s going to attempt to use his shoe to blow up an airplane. The only good use I can think of for that shoe is kicking him in his poop shoot 500 times for every person he’s made have to take off their shoes before getting on a flight since he did that. And add a steel toe to it.

It’s really too bad that the actions of a select few have to affect the vast majority. Flying has long lost the luster it used to have, at least for me. Yes, it saves time between the long distance gigs but I’d rather stay closer to home and drive because I can haul more things.

Now most of the airlines are charging for checked bags. Southwest doesn’t have to do it so why do all the others? Because people are stupid enough to pay it, and I’m one of those people. What choices do we have other than taking a train or bus or even a blimp? Drive.

I’ve made the drive between Chicago and Salt Lake City more times than I ever wanted to. It’s about 1400 miles and there’s NOTHING to see. When Omaha is the highlight, you know you’re on a boring trip. If I intend to keep working in Utah I’ll have to keep flying.

I have to remember that as I sit in the Denver airport waiting for my connecting flight to Milwaukee. The shuttle from the hotel left without me this morning and I barely made my flight from Salt Lake City here. The security people were extra rude and ran my computer through the machine twice for whatever reason. I had to use all my energy to stay silent.

Then on the plane I had TWO screaming babies across from me and a mother/daughter team sitting next to me that were about as annoying as two humans I‘ve ever seen. I had the middle seat but I let them sit together and by the end I wished I’d hitch hiked to Utah.

Now I hear my plane to Milwaukee has been delayed. I was scheduled to get in at 10:30 but now it’s a mystery. I’m going to miss the Packers/Bears game too. This is the part of comedy nobody talks about but it is a reality. I’m paying now for the fun I had this week.