The Wrong Direction

Friday September 18th, 2009 - Chicago, IL

Another day, another trip to the mailbox to find no check. This is beyond ridiculous and I’m about ready to snap. It’s completely unprofessional not to mention disrespectful and it pushes all my inner buttons. I’ve come way too far to have this kind of thing happen now.

This is a cumulative thing. Year after year after year of dealing with idiots and chiselers and scumbags and shysters add up to complete impatience. The sweetest and cutest puppy will eventually snap if it gets poked with a broom stick enough times. That’s where I am.

I’m not a violent person by nature but every day of this stupidity makes me want to take an ax handle to someone’s skull. Unfortunately, the number of skulls is growing rapidly. I just want it to be over with and move on but nobody seems to be able to understand that.

I did have some communication by email with the booker’s son who is now taking over most of the bookings. He’s been very professional about it and has a natural skill with his dealing of people that his father never had. He apologized profusely and said he’d get my money and said he’s been in contact with the club owner at Giggles and will stay on it.

What else can I do? I really don’t want to file a small claim in court and all that but if it comes to that I definitely will. I need that money and I earned it. That was the worst week of comedy I can remember in a long time and to not get paid for it adds insult to injury.

I’m really trying hard to stay upbeat right now but it’s not working. Everything seems to piss me off or make me sad and the more I try to suck it up the more pain I feel inside. On one hand this is the best time of my life but on the other I feel like I’m ready to check out.

I had lunch with my friend Marc Schultz today and that’s always a positive. He’s a great friend in addition to being a corporate booker and his mother had depression so he’s dealt with it before. I can always talk to him about it and he was very encouraging today when I needed it the most. He said he’s getting a lot of interest from my Late Late Show DVD.

His business takes a while to make the rounds and he sends out sample DVDs of acts he books so clients can see who’s available. He’s sent my stuff before but my club stuff isn’t what would sell a corporate buyer. Having a TV spot on a recent show adds credibility.

Marc said he’s got three hold dates for potential holiday parties in December because of the DVDs he sent to people who chose me from it. There’s no guarantee I’ll get a booking because it usually has to go through a committee but then again I could get all three. It’s a crapshoot but at least I’m starting to get into the shooter after all these years. It’s progress.

That made me feel a little better but it’s much deeper than that. The dents in my can are very deep and seem to be getting deeper no matter how hard I try to pound them out. I am doing all I can to overcome where I’ve come from and what I’ve been through but when I get in a funk like I’m in now nothing seems to help. This is the worst I’ve had it in ages.

I don’t even like writing about it but I think I have to. Hopefully other dented cans will be able to use my life with all it’s lumps and bumps to help make theirs better. Is there an underlying pattern with any of this? Is it a chemical thing? A full moon? I haven’t got any clues other than to know when it gets like this I have no desire to live anymore. Life rots.

If there is indeed a next world I have to believe it’s better than this one. Is there a reason for all the insanity in this one or is it completely random? It sure seems random to me and if there is a God He sure doesn’t seem to have time for me. I feel cheated and abandoned.

I came home from lunch and my roommate’s kids were just walking in the door. I rarely see my roommate or her kids because it’s a big house and none of us are home very often. Our hours are completely opposite and that works out great because we never get in each other’s way. I drop my rent off on the kitchen table in an envelope on the 1st and that’s it.

Today for whatever reason I saw the kids for a minute. They’re both girls and are both sweethearts and very well behaved. Now they’re both in high school and they’re gorgeous so boys are starting to come around like flies. They’re cheerleaders and seem to be having all the fun that high school is supposed to be. We said quick hellos and I went downstairs.

I could hear them playing the radio too loud because their mom wasn’t home from work yet and giggling with their friends and after a while more friends came over and they were doing all the things school kids should. I was happy for them but it made me feel terrible because it drove home the hard nasty fact even more that I never had that and never will.

High school was very painful. I never really wanted to go to the school I went to but my grandparents wanted me to go there so I wouldn’t end up a troublemaker like my father. I wouldn’t have ended up like that anyway because it’s not in me. He was who he was and I’m my own person but since he was such a screw up I had to pay for his wild stupidity.

My grandmother always thought I’d get hurt and never let me play any sports and that’s still a sore spot, especially after seeing how much fun the kids were having today. If I did get hurt physically I would have been long healed by now but the pain of not getting to be part of the teams and having those kind of relationships still lingers all these years later.

Usually I don’t think about this stuff very much but times like this when I’m deep in the black hole it’s so painful it’s all I can think about. There’s a pain of regret and frustration and everything good I may have done in my life doesn’t mean a damn thing. It feels like a total waste of time and that’s what I feel like right now. I wish I could go to sleep and die.

This isn’t how life is supposed to be but I’m being honest of how I feel. I remember as a kid hearing of Jonathan Winters having struggled with depression and I couldn’t believe a hilarious guy like him could have a down day. Now all these years later I’m there as well.

Have I accomplished anything worthwhile in my life? Damn, it sure doesn’t seem like it and getting stiffed from my pay at Giggles in my home town doesn’t make it any better.