The Dent Gets Deeper

Wednesday September 16th, 2009 - Milwaukee, WI

I think I’m hitting the wall. I’ve been so busy doing so many things of late I am not able to sort everything out. Between all the traveling I’ve been doing lately and the shows I do once I get there and the comedy classes both at Zanies in Chicago and St. Charles, IL and everything else I’m just burned out right now. I needed to take a day off and relax a little.

I was supposed to have a date with my lady friend up in Milwaukee but she didn’t pick up her phone. We were supposed to hang out and have lunch and I thought it was a done deal but when I tried calling there was no answer. If there’s one dent that’s still in my can it’s abandonment issues with women. I think I may have an idea where that came from.

My mother left our family when I was five months old. My sister was 4 ½ then and my brother was 2 ½. I’m not a shrink but everything I’ve read about stuff like that isn’t much in favor of it as far as producing solid stable human beings in adulthood. I know I’ve been tweaked about this my whole life and days like this are when it really hurts. It bothers me.

I’m sure my mother had her own problems and by her own admission she was way into drugs and a whole lot of other things Good Housekeeping magazine didn’t endorse. Still, it can’t be good for kids to have their mother yanked away at a young age. I’ll bet both of my natural siblings are affected by it even though they were a little older. It still rots ass.

I’ve tried to deal with this my whole life. My mother image is nonexistent and the lady who raised me was my German grandmother who was about as warm as a six month old penguin terd. My sister and I never got along very well either and I can’t say we’ve ever had a close relationship like many brothers and sisters I see. I feel like I’m just drifting.

I’ve been blown off by women before as has every guy but there are certain times when it really hits extra hard. Rejection is never fun but after being blown off by my mother it’s even more sensitive for me. This is very personal and very painful at times and today was one of those times when it really hurt. I guess I just wanted some female company today.

I love women, I really do. If I were gay I’d say it but I’m far from it. The women I really like are usually the ones that blow me off and I know every guy can relate to that but with me it’s different. I’ve talked to a shrink about it and read books about it and many times a mother issue like I have causes a man to chase women he can’t have. It’s all a head game.

I don’t want to play head games at this time in my life. I want a life partner that I can be proud of that helps me and I help her. I want to be a husband and a dad and all the things I thought were supposed to be a birth right. I guess I could have had all that at one time but there’s no way I was ready for it then. I’d have been divorced by now and that’s not good.

Maybe all this is finally getting to me after having chased comedy as a substitute for the love I’ve felt I’ve missed all these years. I love getting laughs but it’s not the love I see so many others experience. Not sex - love. The kind between a mother and child and lovers.

I’ve had a lot going on lately and I’m just frazzled. I’m human, and humans get tired. It didn’t help that I went to my post office box this morning and didn’t find a check to make up for the bounced one I got recently. It’s been over a month now and I’m pissed beyond words. I thought my raw inner rage was fading away in my old age. I guess I was wrong.

There is NO excuse for this. None. I don’t care if the guy is having problems or not. Pay your headliner if you have a comedy club. Period. Normally in this diary I only mention a name if something is good and if it isn’t I’ll mention the situation and keep it under cover. Not today. The club that bounced the check is Giggles Comedy Pub in Brookfield, WI.

I hate to have to do it but I’m going to spread the word with comedians, which won’t be hard to do at all. It’s like a chick with herpes. Once word gets out it tends to stay out. I am not trying to be mean but I have to protect myself. The next step is filing a claim in court.

I have no desire to go to court, I just want my money and move on. Unfortunately I have previous experience with this from another slug club owner who still hasn’t paid me $400 for shows I did in ‘94. His name is J.D. and he runs the Sodomy Café, also in Milwaukee. Even though it’s my home town, the comedy scene there is horrible and always has been.

I was going to file a small claim on J.D. in 1994 because he laughed about not having to pay me. “Yeah? So SUE me,” He said. He tries to be a bad ass biker the same way my old man used to act. They even rode with the same gang of maggots. I never took my father’s bullying and I wasn’t going to take it from J.D. either. I did my shows and I want my pay.

The booker at the time was afraid of J.D. and she BEGGED me not to take him to court because she was afraid she’d lose her booking gig. My inner voice told me loud and clear to file the papers but I thought about it and tried to be nice. What an idiot. She SWORE it would get settled but 15 years later it’s still a pain in the ass, and nobody cares except me.

People wonder why entertainers are cold hearted bastards and I used to do it too. In my naïve youth I would look at stories of what some big star did and was appalled. Now I’m applauding. It’s this petty little grind that piles up year after year after year. I’m sick of it.

I make mistakes often and I admit them whenever I can. I don’t claim to be perfect but I do claim to make an attempt to make things right with people when there is a problem. If I can fix it, I do. If I can’t, at least I try to figure out what an alternative may be. This isn’t a similar situation because I haven’t heard anything from Giggles. Nobody really cares.

I don’t think he’s as mean spirited as J.D., but in either case I’m out pay I earned for the shows I did. They were very good shows, too. The pay scale in Milwaukee has never been good so even if I did get paid I’d still be getting ripped off but at least I‘d have my money.

What I really need right now is a night or two of very restful sleep, but the checks that I wrote that are bouncing won’t let me do it. My patience is as short as a Marine’s recruit’s bangs and I just want to get paid and move on. And a nice girlfriend wouldn’t hurt either.