Enemies And Enemas

Saturday August 30th, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

Nothing much going on this weekend and that’s ok with me. I did my shows early in the week and I suppose I could have booked something this weekend but I just didn’t feel like it. I know that isn’t the way to find real success so it was better to take the weekend off.

I did some serious reflecting today and thought a lot about a lot of things. I feel like I’m more of an outsider now than ever before and I’ve always felt that way even as a kid. I am in my own world and my ups and downs don’t seem to coincide with those of the masses.

I feel unimportant and insignificant and I wonder why I’m even here at all. I thought for a while I had a purpose but now I’m not sure. I used to hear how ‘God has a plan for your life’ but I think that’s a pile of pony poo. Not unless God wanted me to live like a hobo.

After all these years of searching and trying to find my way I feel like I’m drifting along with no rudder on my boat and I’m starting to get seasick. Doing what I’m doing isn’t any closer to a payoff now than when I started. It feels like I’m running around in a big circle.

I started to think about all the people I’ve crossed paths with over the years. There have been quite a few from all walks of life and they’ve gone in all different directions. People like Frank Caliendo started after me in show business and hit the big time while others on the list started before me and I blew them out of the water by comparison. It’s individual.

Some people have become cherished friends but others have become enemies. That’s an ugly side of life I’ve never understood. I really don’t look to make enemies but I’ve had a tendency to clash with a certain few in my time. I don’t want it to be personal or last long but that’s usually what happens. I’m the kind of person that polarizes and that’s how it is.

opener from this week is an example. I can tell he’s angry and I could sense a bit of tension even before our shows. Something doesn’t match and I have learned to not fight it when that happens. I prefer to just avoid that person rather than make it ugly for us both.

I guess my sister must think that of me. She still has the red ass for me fifteen years out. I don’t claim to be perfect but I did try to at least make it right with her and I don’t want a feud with the comic guy or anyone else either. We may not agree but I don’t want a fight.

Life is too short for that. There’s a sportswriter in Chicago named Jay Mariotti who had more enemies than friends from all accounts and he quit his job this week and had a lot of his former coworkers blast him from all sides. That’s exactly what I do NOT want to be.

I guess nobody goes through life without enemies or at least critics so I’m going to look for those who mesh with me and not focus on the clashes. I have already had so many big disappointments in my life that I feel like I’m already dead. Anything good I do now is an unexpected bonus. I’m never going to be whatever I thought ‘normal’ is so that dream is a thing of the past. I have what I have to work with and now it’s up to me to create success.