Over And Out - My Last Diary

Sunday September 14th, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

Today is the two and a half year anniversary of when I started doing my daily diary and I think I am going to call it quits as of today. The main reason I started doing this was the discipline of writing something every day and after not missing a single day since I started I think I accomplished that. I also wanted to offer a glimpse into the life of a road comic.

I think I did that too. Any younger comic reading about my adventures can hopefully be better prepared for a difficult life which is just not for everyone. A lot of people think this is an easy and glamorous life and I hope I’ve demonstrated that it’s neither. It’s a grind.

The question of whether I’m any farther along than when I started keeping this back on March 14th, 2006 is debatable. I’ve had quite a few adventures all over North America for the entire time and hopefully I have shed some light on what it’s like to live on the road. I have been doing it for so long it’s all just numb to me at this point. It seems like I blew it.

Quite frankly I feel tired and disappointed and that I missed out on what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I have sacrificed a lifetime to get good at comedy and now I feel like the entire business is crumbling and I wasted my life and will never get a fair payoff.

The truth is that ‘fair’ is a word that doesn’t have anything to do with life on this planet. We get what we get and some of us get more than others. I was blessed with an ability for making people laugh whether on stage or on air and I’ve done everything I can to polish it but I also made a lot of mistakes in other areas and all of that combines to find me here.

I may be on the verge of a shot on the Craig Ferguson show and that would be a boost at a time when I could really use one. I know I’m ready for a TV shot but it doesn’t matter at all what I think. The talent booker has to say the magic word and I really hope it happens.

Whether or not it happens I’m going to continue to do comedy as long as I’m here. I am not sure how long that will be and the way I feel lately a trip to the next world would not be a bad thing at all. This one has been very difficult and I’m tired from all the struggles.

I’m still on WLS on Monday mornings but I’m not sure for how long. I don’t feel that it means anything and unless we can draw some people on November 13th in St. Charles at Zanies I will probably fade out and move on. I need to find better uses for my time now.

I am also still struggling with the embezzlement issues from my ex business partner and his two evil minions who are stealing my comedy class ideas as well. That’s a major bone of contention and I’m trying to stay calm and positive but it’s really getting on my nerves.

I would love to make my Uranus Factory Outlet idea come to life but there have been as many blocks in the road as road itself. Maybe having extra time to do that instead of this I will finally get it going. I need something. I feel like I’m drifting through life without any support. This may be the longest suicide note in history. I hope someone learns from it.

This life sure is a hell of a ride sometimes. The older I get the more I see I had a rougher start than most and it’s taking it’s toll on me now. I’m hurting on many levels and haven’t been able to find my stride for any period of time. Just when I think I’m starting to get my groove going something comes out of the blue and obliterates all the progress I had made.

Radio jobs have spanked me the hardest. I dare anyone to move across the country with no guarantees of anything and get blasted out for no real reason and see how you like it. It has left a bad taste in my mouth and I have to admit I wish the people who make people’s lives that unnecessarily difficult get a tropical butt fungus and die of a violent diarrhea.

My life has always been a mess so I didn’t have that far to fall but my friends who were with me at the various stations I worked at had it much worse. I still stay in touch with my partners from the Loop in Chicago Max and Spike and they’re still hurting from our giant bloodbath the week before Christmas in 2004. They’re both super people and it rots ass.

It doesn’t seem to matter who’s good or not, does it? Since I have started writing this on a daily basis I’ve seen my father and Saddam Hussein die in the same year. Both of those idiots never did anything to help their fellow human kind but they died quickly without an iota of pain. I saw my mentor C. Cardell Willis die in a hospice suffering the whole way.

I saw comedians Hugh Neary and Pat Brice and Ken Swann die way too soon and none of it makes any sense to me. I can feel any faith or belief in a God slide out the door and it becomes stronger and stronger every day. I don’t want to feel that way but I absolutely do.

This is not what I want to be spewing every day but it’s honestly what I’ve been feeling. I haven’t met a lot of others who can feel my pain but those who do feel it along with me because they’ve got inner pain too. That’s what all of us share as dented cans. We HURT.

There are a lot of people in the world in pain and they deal with it in different ways. An awful lot of them drown that hurt in booze or snort it up their nose or shoot it in a vein. It isn’t easy slugging through this life without good looks or money or the energy of youth.

I am without all of those things and the older I get the more I realize I’m not going to be able to undo my family mess either. There are a whole lot of unresolved issues there and I have sincerely tried to make up for my mistakes and offer an olive branch of peace but the other people involved just don’t want any part of it. All I can do is move on now. I tried.

I also tried to offer some honest insight on what it’s like to be a real live road comedian. I know a lot of people wonder what it’s like and a lot of people wish they were able to get a chance to do what I’ve done for a lifetime. It had it’s lumps but it still was a lot of fun.

Two and a half years is a long enough time to get a glimpse into what’s inside my head. I am the first one to admit I’m nuts and don’t deny it. In fact I embrace it. Nuts are always the most creative people around. I’m not afraid to die and if I do blow my head off maybe this will get read in hindsight. Whatever. I wrote from my heart, warts and all. Dobie out.