Major Rage In My Cage

Wednesday June 25th, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

Half Christmas. Six months from now the weather will be nasty and there will be a completely different vibe than there is today. I need to remember how quickly things are prone to change because right now I’m ready to go on a thirteen state ass kicking spree.

Mike Preston called me this morning and told me my embezzling thief of an ex-partner has decided he wants to rub salt in the wounds by starting up a website and attempting the formidable task of starting more classes. I was pretty surprised to hear it at first but then it made sense when I found out his new partner in crime is in on it too. They’re both slime.

I’ve had that idea for years and he was supposed to be the one to help me execute it as it was his job to be the marketer and organizer. It never came to be and now he’s apparently trying to resurrect that idea now. The domain name he’s using was my idea and he had no right to do that in my opinion but he was the one who registered the name so I’m S.O.L.

This just infuriates me. Why don’t these grease balls move on to another con? They are only in it for the money and before he met me Mr. Thief never even set an oily foot of his in a comedy club. I was the one who trained him and showed him the ropes of how to do everything and now he sticks it in my poop shoot knowing full well it will grind on me.

Well it does. Big time. I totally see why people in Kentucky or anywhere else walk into a workplace with a gun and clean house. I’m not going to do that but it’s a good thing that he isn’t in my sight right now or I can’t promise I wouldn’t take an ax handle and pound a funky tune on his bongo drum head. He’s just doing this because he knows it gets to me.

How come I’m the bad guy in all this? HE’S the one who stole several thousand dollars of what was supposed to be OUR money for the business and spent it on himself because he’s a lazy rich kid who never had to work for a living. Now he’s continuing the tradition by stealing my idea and teaming up with the other oozing pustule of filth to scam people.

I know this is America and if I had a gas station that was doing well there are no laws that another guy couldn’t put another one right across the street. It doesn’t matter if it kills off both businesses either. Freedom is precious but there are some things about it that rot ass.

This is one of them. Can I stop these two jabronies from doing whatever they want? In a word - no. What can I do? Can I prove it in court that he stole my money? No I can’t. Can I legally do anything to throw a monkey wrench into their path? Well, yes. I have a person from the IRS I got to know back when I had to testify in the infamous bank robbery trial.

I still have that contact and could easily make one phone call and tell the IRS that he did not file his tax returns for almost 20 years. He lived part time in Australia and ‘worked’ at his father’s medical clinic but never did pay a nickel in taxes either here or over there. I’m usually not a vengeful person but this just picks my scab to the core. I trusted that bastard and he totally abused it and stuck it in my bum once and now he’s trying to do it all again.

What is the correct answer here? I agonized over it all day. My first reaction was to get in my car and go over to wherever he was and sodomize him with a plunger. The rubbery end. Then I thought it might be more fun to take a boomerang and make him swallow it.

Violence is not the answer. It sounds good in theory but so does attending the ballet. It’s not what I imagined and halfway through I’m sure I’d regret it. This is a very delicate one to ponder and I put as much brain power as I could muster into finding the right solution.

The truth is I really do love to teach comedy. I love comedy period. I love watching and performing and discussing and teaching. I love studying it and I have 15 years in teaching it successfully. I’ve got over 1000 graduates from my classes and most of them loved it.

Are there some who didn’t? Sure. Any good instructor will have that. I don’t pussyfoot around. I tell the students how it is in no uncertain terms but I also go out of my way to be extra encouraging and let them grow. When it goes well it’s a wonderful feeling of giving and I really am a giver. Money for it is nice but my true passion is teaching just to teach.

That’s why this angers me so. When I was in Milwaukee the co-’teacher’ I had was not a comedian at all and it irked me that she continued to ‘teach’ when I moved on. She tried it a few times and then it fizzled out. Many others have tried it too but it’s HARD WORK to teach a comedy class or any other class too. The best teachers pour it from their souls.

I know I do. I can feel it when I connect with a class and I have done it countless times. I have also missed on a few students but quite frankly they were idiots and weren’t going to go anywhere anyway. 90% of my problems came from 10% of my students and those I pawned off on the guy who is going to be the new partner of the embezzling Australian.

That sounds like the title of a movie: ‘Coming this summer to a theatre near you! If you thought Crocodile Dundee was funny - you’ve GOT to see The Embezzling Australian.’ I don’t find the humor in it personally right now but I have to attempt it so I don’t club him like a platypus. I really didn’t expect this to go any further and Mike’s call surprised me.

Mike told me he wanted to call me out of respect and I appreciate that a lot. He needs to pay bills and he said he doesn’t expect this site to go anywhere but as long as they are in a mode to pay a cameraman it might as well be him. I don’t blame him and hope he gets his money. I don’t think I’ll ever get all of mine so I might as well hope SOMEONE gets it.

It probably won’t go anywhere in all honesty because they don’t have any inner passion to draw upon when things get tough. I love comedy and want to be around it any way that I can. I thought long and hard today and decided the best thing to do is use this as a strong motivator to make me get my own class back running and take it to a much higher level.

I can see myself teaching corporate and sales people the principles of comedy and also a comedy writing class to aspiring writers of all kinds. That horse’s wanker stole my list of former students, my website name and my money but he can NOT steal my inner passion.