My Personal Hurricane

Monday September 21st, 2009 - Chicago, IL

I must say this is one of the absolute worst spells of depression I’ve ever had, and that’s a major statement. I’ve fought through some low points in my life but this one just snuck up without notice and bit me in the shorts and it won’t let go. Today was yet another ugly struggle just to get out of bed but I dragged myself out and hauled myself into Chicago.

Jerry’s Kidders had a rehearsal at the Royal George Theatre of the play we’re doing and Vicki Quade brought in another director to look at it and make notes. We’re putting quite a bit of work into the project and everyone’s contributing something but I have my doubts as to how much money it will bring in. Vicki is very sharp though and we all trust her.

She is not a fly by night wannabe and her productions tend to not only make money but also last a long time so we’re banking on her expertise to help us find a following. I didn’t want to bring the rest of the cast or crew down so I shut my mouth and tried to act happy.

Jerry doesn’t get it and admits he doesn’t. When I get like this he leaves me alone and it eventually goes away. He used to try and give me the rah rah speech of how things aren’t so bad and all that Zig Ziglar hoo-hah but that adds gas to the fire. Thankfully Jerry isn’t a dented can and had a pretty good childhood. He can’t relate to my pain and that’s a plus.

Ken Sevara is a very nice guy but he tends to be a little on the Beaver Cleaver side. I’m glad he’s in the group but he started laying the whole “Aw shucks, it’ll get better” line of thinking on me and that just made me feel worse. When I politely asked him to stop doing it he launched into the “I’ve got problems too” angle and that‘s another one that irks me.

Dented cans know that when we get in these funks the last things we need to hear about are the problems of other people or “Hang in there - Jesus loves you. It’ll get better.” The people who say those things mean well but the results are usually completely opposite of what the person saying them intended. They don’t understand so they just say anything.

Jerry didn’t mean any harm and neither did Ken but they all started laughing and being giddy and I just wasn’t in that kind of mood today so I kept quiet and sat off to the side of the stage and kept to myself. I knew they felt uncomfortable and so did I but I can’t fake it when I’m not feeling it. I can do my part when the lights go on but after that I’m a mess.

Believe me, I hate writing about this as much or more than most people probably hate to read about it but this is how it is and I’m not going to hide it. Creative people get in these mental ruts and it becomes a part of life. There has to be a solution somewhere other than a bullet to the skull, although in the last week or so I’ve considered that more than once.

This experience is like being in a hurricane. When the storm rages nothing else is on the mind of the person in the middle of it. Sure, the sunshine may be close by but that doesn’t matter until the storm actually stops. Right now the storm is raging and I’m trying to hide in my basement until it’s over. I just hope when it is over my house isn’t ripped to pieces.