Saturday December 4th, 2010 - Tomah, WI I keep saying I’m going to learn my lesson about accepting questionable bookings in far away places, but it never seems to stick. Hopefully, this is the straw that will finally break the camel’s back. I just drove 500 long boring miles through blowing snow with a case of explosive diarrhea, only to get to the gig and find out not one person showed up. Enough. I’m so frustrated I don’t know where to start. I know it all starts with me, but still. I just want to work. Is that so bad? My policy has always been if I have an empty date and work comes in, even if it’s less than stellar, I’ll always take it just to be working. Not anymore. This trip was a complete waste of time, and I’m sorry I did it. Even the show in Quincy, IL last night wasn’t worth it on a financial basis. Yes, it was a fun workout for 50 people but there has to be a place closer to home where I can do that and not have to drive across the country to get there. Tonight the drive was twice as far and not one person showed up. That alone made the weekend a failure, but to add insult to injury I had a violent case of the screaming Hershey squirts from that bad food I had last night. I can’t identify exactly what did it, but it really doesn’t matter. Something did, and I had to stop every so often to find a public toilet all the way from Quincy to Tomah. That made a long trip even longer. That’s another road hazard that doesn’t get any better with time. The smaller the town, the smaller the chances of finding anywhere open to eat after a show. I won’t mention the name of the chain restaurant where we ate, but it rhymes with Applebee’s. I never like to eat at any of those corporate cesspools, but at 1am in Quincy, IL pickings are pretty slim. The other comic was a nice guy and it’s always fun to hang out after a show so we had a plate of nachos, some chicken wings and some spinach and artichoke dip. I’ve been trying to eat healthier for weeks, but I thought I earned a treat so I went with it. Maybe it was the food karma spirits waving a warning finger, or maybe I just shouldn’t eat at Applebee’s. Throwing up is never fun, and one of the many benefits I’ve gained from not drinking is not having to do it often. I can’t remember the last time I did, but tonight it was four times and that’s four times too many. It stopped by morning, but the volcano was still active. Diarrhea is extremely funny, but only when someone else has it. It’s even funnier when it happens on a long car trip and today I was a one man comedy riot. I thought I was going to lose it a few times right in the car, but at least it’s a rental. I wonder if I’m insured in an event of that sort. It seems like it would be an ‘act of God’, but I didn’t want to find out. I made it to Tomah, WI with about a half an hour to spare, and went to the club and saw there were ZERO people there for the show. It was a tiny little bar and there’s no way that comedy would ever work there. No offense to the owner, but the booker should have seen that and never booked anything there. This is just not what I need to be doing at this stage of my life or career. I think after all this time I finally got the message to just stay home.
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