Sunday June 19th, 2011 - Libertyville, IL I woke up at 5am on the dot feeling severe pain in a place I knew I couldn’t ignore. I’d originally hoped it would just go away by itself, but that’s a typical male reaction. We’re never ones to rush to the hospital, and especially with no health insurance I’m not either. Still, when one of the twins acts up, it gets full priority. It was way more swollen than it was when I went to bed, and even a little swelling down there isn’t a picnic. I took a slow shower and tried to scrub everything that may need looking at, but that took a long time. I had a hard time drying off from the shower and putting on clothes, but I knew I needed to. Every single little bitty teeny tiny movement was extremely sensitive, and with the way it had swollen up, every physical position was an extreme problem, especially sitting in a car. Before I ventured into the hospital I was thirsty so I stopped at the grocery store for a cold drink. I bought two large Gatorades and also got two icy cold slices of watermelon. I’m really trying to quit sodas, even though I still love them. It’s the bubbles. I know it’s not good for me, but the first few sips of a big old mattress pisser Mountain Dew or Pepsi or Dr. Pepper from a frosted container is an earthly pleasure for the ages. I really love it. Gatorade is starting to grow on me though. I’m sure that’s loaded with sugar too, but on a hot day I find myself letting one trickle down my gullet and it makes me feel I’m at least a little healthier than I’d be if I drank a Pepsi. I don’t drink or smoke, can’t I enjoy this? It was all I could handle to get out of my car and ever so gingerly sashay my way across the parking lot to the emergency room to check in. It felt like I was walking on egg shells, and I couldn’t walk fast both because I was in pain and my kidneys were ready to burst. The admitting clerk in the emergency room was very attractive, and when she asked the reason for my visit I felt embarrassed to tell her I had a swollen testicle. Of course she had a hard time hearing me, and I had to say it louder just as some people got off an elevator. I asked to use the bathroom and she told me they’d probably need a sample for later so I filled it up and gave it to her when I got out. I haven’t often had to place a fresh container of freshly made urine in front of anyone before much less a good looking woman so it felt pretty awkward to say the least. I was then taken into a room to begin getting examined. Someone took my vital signs and someone else asked if I had insurance while someone else had me fill out more paperwork. Someone else still took a blood sample and I knew I was in good hands because I could feel these people totally knew what they were doing. Before long, someone came in and told me I had diabetes and my blood sugar was up in the 500 range. I know nothing about blood sugar, but I could tell by their looks of concern that everyone in the room knew this was dangerously high. They told me I’d be staying in the hospital for a while, no matter what the verdict was on my testicle. This is not a joke.
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