NO Loop For You

Wednesday August 15th, 2007 - Lake Villa, IL

Two more dents in my can today. The first was another trip to the dentist to get a crown installed. I had the temporary one in there until this one was ready and today was the day. Of course it was difficult to put in and I was gagging as the dentist and his assistant put all kinds of hardware in my mouth and then put the crown in and took it out and put it in until they ground it down to make it fit. Then he ground my upper teeth to make it fit and that’s never fun. It wasn’t supposed to hurt but a couple of times he hit some kind of nerves that I sure did feel and it was an unpleasant experience all around. I had to pay $918 for all this fun and I must say a weekend in the Wisconsin Dells with a Swedish bikini babe would be a much more enjoyable way to spend that kind of jack but too late. I gave him the check.

Then I came home to a curt email from The Loop saying we are not getting the job. The guy who’s now the acting program director was the assistant when we worked there and it took a long time to get back to us. He was on vacation last week and to make us wait that long to give us a ‘see ya later’ email wasn’t very cool in my opinion. Max thought so too.

The truth is we’d have been perfect for that job. We would have gone in there and nailed it for a lot less money than anyone else with our ability and chemistry would have cost and we would have both poured our heart and soul into it every single day. We had a job there before and we were starting to shine and that’s when they pulled the plug. The new people took over on December 1st and we were vaporized by December 16th. Merry Christmas!!!

Max and I had a long talk on the phone and tried to cheer each other up. He and I are on the same page in being dented cans. His childhood has followed him just as mine has and it doesn’t let us have a ‘normal’ life, whatever that is. My grandmother was a dented can too and I still remember her telling me ‘the dark cloud NEVER leaves.’ She was almost 90 by then and that just about made me take a bullet right there. It chilled me when she said that and it still does today. Especially today. This is the kind of stuff that sends people into that ugly tailspin. It’s never fun to get rejected but for a dented can it’s worse. It’s personal.

Today happened to be one of my ‘bullet proof’ days and it didn’t affect me at all when I read the email. I looked at it and hit delete and looked at the rest of my mail. I have fallen way behind on emails and have 265 to answer and that will be a big project. I read some of them today and many were from people asking me for something like students wanting my advice or comedians wanting me to put in a word for them at clubs I work at or just those that want my time in some way or another. I have always been a favor giver but when I am in need nobody seems to be around to help me in return. I sure do feel that way now and it doesn’t feel good. Who do I complain to? Nobody really cares and I don’t expect them to.

I put out my monthly newsletter on the 13th and wasn’t very upbeat this month. I usually try to be positive and say what’s going on but this is a rough time for me and I told it like I saw it and I received quite a few responses of all kinds from many people. Most tried to be positive and tell me things like ’hang in there’ and ’it’ll get better’ and all that meaningless tripe that they don’t even believe. Most people don’t know what this kind of life really is.

One person sent me a damn written out song parody about Karl Rove or something and said ’Cheer up! People are dying in collapsing bridge accidents. It’s not so bad.’ I wanted to personally take that guy up to Minnesota and have him dive for cadavers. Or be one. It is true that people are suffering and I am aware of that but when I get into a funk none of that matters. Everything seems to be far away and it comes over like a deep dark ugly fog.

The reason I am writing about this is that I know I’m not the only one going through it. Max can TOTALLY relate to it as can a few others I know. I am sad they can relate to it but they can and we can have good conversations about it and at least address our issues.

I am going on record as saying I am very disillusioned with how life works and how my journey is going. I did not ask to be born and I have tried as hard as I can to be a good and productive person despite my inner turmoil and wackery. Other people have used theirs as an excuse to drink or do drugs or give up and be a bum but I have tried to overcome mine and defy the odds. The more I try to do right the more things seem to go totally wrong. It gets very old after a while and one of these days I just might flip out one way or another.

Constant pressure is a very tiring process. Having to consistently worry about where I’m going to find work or pay rent or keep my car running or manage whatever crisis situation pops up (at of course the most inopportune time) is draining on the psyche and the body. I can see why some people walk into a school or post office and wipe out everyone in sight.

I don’t think I could do that but I sure can relate to the feeling of hopelessness at times. If I did snap I surely wouldn’t shoot innocent people though. There are way too many that deserve it to randomly waste bullets on the public. Take some time, do your homework. It is an insane world and looking around I still can’t figure out why it all has to be this way.

This again brings me back to the God issue. This can’t be the best there is in this galaxy. I have to believe Earth is the county fair of the cosmos and the only reason aliens ever visit is to be entertained by our total insanity or guess our weight. God must have a lot of other planets where the inhabitants are a lot more together than we are here. This planet is just a little side project like a Camaro on blocks in the yard. He’ll get to us when He has time.

But for now this is where I live and I don’t have a choice. Well, I do I guess but what if I go to the next world and it’s worse than this one? I am at a very low point right now but it isn’t painful today. I’ve been here before and I can handle it. My tooth is hurting me more than not getting the Loop gig. It would have been NICE. Lots of things would be NICE. I have not had a lot of nice in my life and at this point yet another kick doesn’t even hurt.

I will be able to scrape by and make a living doing comedy. I’ve done it for twenty years and I can do it a little while longer. It’s just that now it’s not as fun as it once was. It’s not the same thrill of the kill it used to be. Now it’s a chore going back to the same places I’ve been to before. I know it could be worse and I am aware that people died in Minnesota. It still doesn’t change the fact that I am in a tough spot in my own life and I want to play this out so it has a happy ending. That’s why I write a diary. I hope it inspires someone else.