A Port In The Storm

Tuesday August 7th, 2007 - Merrillville, IN

I’m on a streak. Two Motel 6’s in two nights. How many lights can somebody leave on? I thought I could make it home from my gig in Hamilton, OH but it started to rain like the Old Testament and I didn’t want to turn my Honda into an ark or risk my life for $40. The trip was already a barely break even proposition so this last forty bucks got me back even.

I don’t know why I took this gig but I did. I do like to work and usually if I can get any gig I’ll take it rather than be off but this one was questionable. Hamilton is just outside of Cincinnati and I should have looked before I said yes. I assumed it was closer to Toledo as that’s where the booker is from. Wrong. My fault and there’s nobody to blame but myself.

Not a big deal though. He’s a comic and has several one nighters that come and go and I figured a Tuesday couldn’t be that bad. Ha. Famous last words. The gig was in a tiny little bar with a tiny little stage and when I got there it was a tiny little crowd. Tiny as in zero.

The bartender told me they were waiting for a softball game to end and the team was on its way. Oh boy! Drunk softball players! That’s just what I need in my life and career now. I tried to sound excited but I wanted to take a pool cue and beat myself to death with it.

The opener was a guy named Big Daddy Pete from Fort Wayne and we just worked last month in Whitewater, WI. He’s a good guy and like me was just doing this rather than not work at all. We looked at each other and cringed as we watched the softball team drift in.

I must say they were a funky looking bunch and not in the George Clinton/James Brown good kind of funky way. These people looked FUNKY. Lots of tattoos and pony tails and then a few bikers came in and they were wearing their club colors and I thought I’d drifted back to my childhood with my father’s biker cronies coming around. I was ready to walk.

As far as a comedy venue goes this wasn’t a great one but there was a karaoke guy who did the sound and it sounded very good actually and then the owners came over and it was a man and woman but not sure if they were married or dating or not. Who knows? I don’t ask and after all these years I really don’t care. All I wanted was my money and I knew if I walked I wouldn’t get it so I just shut my mouth and watched the softball team get a lot of pitchers of beer delivered to the table and I prepared myself for a night of jungle survival.

They started the show about a half hour late but I did notice a few more people wander in so there were about 30 by the time the karaoke guy brought up Big Daddy Pete. He’s a good guy and very exuberant about being a comedian and he started a little slow but they weren’t mean to him and he built up some steam and finished very well. He did a fantastic job of keeping them focused and he did his time and it just so happens that he does a lot of NASCAR jokes and this crowd loved NASCAR so he was king for the night. They started to give him applause breaks and by the end of his set I started to wonder if I could follow him. He really found their hot buttons and kudos to him for doing it. When it happens on a given night a comedian just knows it and tonight Pete was in a groove. They really liked it.

He got off stage to a nice round of applause and I was pleasantly surprised at how all of them got into the show. It was a small place so the laughter ricocheted off the walls and it sounded very good actually. By the time I got up there I thought I might have a chance.

I know how to talk to biker types because my father always had them around. They’re a strange breed but I can break through to them. They are still people even if they have a lot of tattoos and long beards and many of them don’t bathe very often. They try to intimidate people when they want to but I see through that and talk to them as humans. There was an especially funky looking dude who was pretty big and looked at me like I was a maggot at first but I started to get him laughing and he actually came closer to the stage and sat there like a little kid at the camp fire wanting to hear more ghost stories. He really was into it.

They were a little rowdy but not at all in a mean way and when they did talk they added to the program. I didn’t talk down to them and they could see that I wasn’t. I had to spice it up with some language just because I know that’s how those people talk. I heard it all in my youth and if one thing being the kid of a biker prepared me for was tonight’s audience.

I did my time and got off stage to a very nice pop and the owner paid me right away and I thanked him and shook a few hands and smiled and waved as I walked out the door. Pete and I both wiped our brows knowing this could have been a LOT worse and we were glad we pulled this one off. Neither one of us needed it to be a brutal drunk fest like it looked.

When I’m wrong I’m wrong and I admit it and I was wrong about tonight’s audience. It looked like this was going to be a hell ride and they turned out to be very good but I don’t want to tempt the fates. This was the first week of comedy and we’ll see how it is months from now. I wish them well and I’m thankful for the money but I need to be careful when I take gigs sight unseen. No offense to these people but I’m past doing gigs like this. I did WAY too many of these that didn’t go well over the years but tonight I lucked out. Once.

The thing that made the whole day worthwhile was having lunch in Indianapolis with my old friend Greg Phelps. Greg is a former comedian and we’ve been friends for 20 years or more. He now has his own CD replicating business and he and I had a brainstorming lunch of sushi which we both love so no matter if we had any ideas or not at least we ate good.

We did have several good ideas and Greg is excellent at that. He is a former comic so he understands the game and is very helpful when it comes to design ideas. He and I bounced around some ideas and I told him about my ‘dented can’ idea and how ‘dysfunctional’ just doesn’t cut it. Who ISN’T dysfunctional? That word just doesn’t mean anything anymore.
‘Dented can’ kind of sums it up and he got it right away. Those who get it understand it and I think I can expand on that theme. Greg thinks we can actually make a DVD which is able to be wrapped around an actual can with a label on it with my picture. Wow, what an unusual idea right up my alley! I think it would be cool to have them sold like that and we kicked it around over lunch along with some other ideas for packaging. I broke even with money on this trip but I’m really way ahead. ‘Operation Dented Can’ is now in motion.