Rededicating Myself To Comedy

Wednesday August 1st, 2007 - Lake Villa, IL

All hail his majesty the king! The king of dental retardation that is. And that king is ME. Today I got fitted for my crown and everything. Too bad it’s in my mouth and not on my head but that’s how it goes. It’s a temporary one for now and in two weeks I’ll go back to get the real one. It cost me yet another $910 and hopefully I’ll be able to keep working so I can pay it off. The last couple of months have been a financial black hole and it hurts.

But today is a new month and I decided to use it as a new start. It’s not a milestone date like a birthday or New Year’s Eve or any other round number date that people say they’re going to turn their lives around and then two days later go right back to doing the same as they always did before. The truth is change is difficult and constant change takes constant work and focus and dedication. I’ve made a lot of little changes in the last year or two and although I am still not where I want to be I am making progress in a lot of positive ways.

The one positive thing I do have is that I haven’t given up. I’ve thought about it and the thought has crossed my mind very recently but I have my second wind for the thousandth time and I’m ready to fight some more and beat the overwhelming odds against me. I have been fighting so long that sometimes I don’t realize just how far I’ve come but today I do.

I sat in the dentist’s chair today listening to the whine of the drill and getting a nice whiff of my tooth burning and I geared my mind up for another crack at whatever it is I want to take a crack at. Laying there thinking about it I really have been all over the place with my life and career and now at 44 I still find myself drifting through life like an aimless gypsy.

There are a lot of poles in the water right now but I don’t have any solid bites to report. I could still get the radio job at the Loop but I haven’t heard anything for over a week and I don’t have a feeling one way or the other. Radio is like that and we may or may not get a shot. I have to go on planning as if I won’t and if it does come up I’ll have to ask for some decent money to make it worth my while. I’d like the job but I won’t die if I don’t get it.

Comedy is where my heart always was and always will be. I love to create comedy and it will always be the best in front of a live audience. The live pop of a crowd with a laugh has addictive qualities to it that I can’t and don’t want to wean myself off of. I love it. I always have loved it even back in school. Making the class laugh with a smart ass answer was one of the great joys of my childhood. It was even better when I knew the right answer also.

Radio is still fun though and I would love to work back at the Loop with my friend Max. He and I would knock it out of the park but we have to get the chance first. I am going to have to assume I’m not going to get it though because it’s time to start making calls to get booked. I have a few gigs to tide me over but if I’m going to do comedy I need to hustle.

There is also a possibility of some TV appearances and that’s something I need to do if I can while I’m still relatively young and cute. I’m not that cute and I’m not that young so it means I have to find something else to rely on. Looks like it’s going to be my funny bone.

That’s ok. I have done that my whole life and I’m used to it. It’s absolutely amazing that I have made it this far and I really would hate to see it end without having a big payoff that makes it all worthwhile. There’s no guarantee of that but if I give up now it’s over. I don’t want it to be over. I want to come out of nowhere and shock the world and be an inspiring long shot success story that gives other people hope who have come from where I did.

Those are the stories everyone loves to read about and I want to be one myself. I hope it happens while I’m young enough to enjoy it but even if it doesn’t I’m going to catalog my journey in this diary and hopefully leave some clues for others who want to do it as well. I am not afraid to die and I am not afraid to live either. I’ll admit my mistakes freely and if I happen to do something right I’ll admit that too. I am rededicating myself to my dreams.

I never really stopped chasing them but sometimes what I was chasing was a little fuzzy. I think I need to clarify for myself what it is I want or think I want so I can go about as to how I intend to achieve it. I want a lot of things and I may get some of them but probably not all of them only for the fact that there are only so many hours in a day and at my age I don’t know how many days I have left. My youth is ending and now I have to be smart.

Ugh. If all I have left is smarts that’s going to make it even harder but I did make a few smart decisions up until now so I need to keep focusing on those and weeding out the bad ones. Some of those were pretty bad so it will take a big weed wacker but I am in the spot I am as a result of all my choices up until this point. If I want to change (and I do) I need a plan and a direction and I need to start making new and positive choices to achieve that.

The main thing I need to do is make a PLAN and stick to it and be consistent in my daily work load. There are so many things going on in my life that I can barely keep track of all of them. I need to simplify and consolidate and pare down even more than I already have.

It’s not about the physical possessions or the money (although money is nice and I want to get better at my relationship with it) it’s about having FUN and living the dream. If I am nothing else I am a professional comedian that has worked all over North America and I’d love to keep working in better places and for more money. I have an act and I have traded financial security and a chance at a family and whatever a ‘normal’ life might be to have an opportunity to do this and I’ve done it and done it well. Now I want to get my payoff. I’ve been sticking a lifetime’s worth of nickels in the slot machine and it’s time to hit a jackpot.

Rodney Dangerfield was about my age when he started to hit it. Then he had an amazing run which any comedian would love to have. I have a lot of the same pedigree he did and I will use him as an inspiration to keep slugging. He wasn’t a happy guy and had depression just as I do but hopefully I can handle it better than he did. I want to rise above it and be a person people point to and say ‘See? If HE could rise above the darkness anybody could.’

I’ve got a tall order ahead of me and I know it. I will not be able to take the ordinary or traditional routes to success but they really don’t exist anymore. I don’t know if they ever did. It’s different for everybody and I’m about as different as it gets. Let’s see if I do it.