Spree Free For Me

Wednesday August 5th, 2009 - Oconomowoc, WI/Lake Villa, IL

Of all the days to pick to talk about being on a cold streak with women, yesterday was a poor one. The first thing I saw when I turned on the TV this morning was the story of that wackazoid in Pittsburgh who flipped out and started spraying bullets in an aerobics class.

I know as a decent human being there’s nothing the least bit funny about a mass murder in cold blood but as a comedian it’s the first place the mind goes. Sorry, that’s just how it is. ANYTHING that enters into a well trained comic mind goes immediately to the joke.

It could be sick and twisted and in poor taste and all of those things could be 100% true but it doesn’t stop the comic mind from searching for what’s funny about it. When I had a near fatal car wreck and flipped over a Mustang convertible in 1993 the first thought I had as I laid bloody in the street in excruciating pain was ‘”What’s funny about this?” Really.

The paramedics got there and asked me to say something to let them know I was able to understand them and I said “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.” One of them started laughing and asked “What are you, a comedian or something?” I told him as a matter of fact I was.
I don’t know if he believed me or not but I do know my mind went right to what’s funny.

I don’t find it funny at all that these kookaroos flip out and shoot innocent people when their brain stem pops like a rubber band. Why do that? Every time I see a mass shooting it always seems like innocent people get taken out when there are so many who deserve it.

If they’re going to go through that much trouble to end their lives why don’t they do the rest of us a service and take out some garbage for the rest of the planet before they leave? How about starting with an Al-Qaeda training camp or maybe a Ku Klux Klan meeting?

Let them take their ya-yas out there and then they can put a chimney in the back of their own head if they want. Hopefully their organs can still be used to help someone who may need a transplant and the rest of their carcasses can be ground up into kibbles for the zoo.

I never understood why people snap and kill a bunch of others and then themselves. For what reason? Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable in the next life to be in line with a large group of souls that are only there because one lone gunman snapped? I picture St. Peter asking a large group why so many are there at one time. “I don’t know, why don’t you ask HIM?”

Personally, I would never do such a thing. I’ve been suicidal before and it’s not pleasant but I sure wouldn’t take anyone else out who was innocent. I’d pop my bean and that’d be it. Or, if I did go on a spree, each one on it would have a reason and I wouldn’t kill myself so I’d get to explain exactly why I did it and then I would take my punishment like a man.

I saw where the guy in Pittsburgh kept a diary and had been planning this for about nine months. That’s what made me both cringe and laugh because obviously I’ve been keeping one for a while myself. If any authorities are monitoring, I am NOT planning any sprees.

Actually, my head is in a pretty good place right now. Getting on TV was a milestone I have been striving for since I started and anything that happens after that is gravy. I never wanted to put a wife and kids through the grind of show business before I had some kind of financial security to offer as I didn’t want to make them struggle and live like gypsies.

As it turns out I suppose I could have squeaked it out financially even though I probably would have made a lot of different choices than I ended up making. Moving several times for radio jobs would have put a huge strain on any marriage and I’m glad I didn’t have the added pressure of that looming over my head. Jerry Agar has that and it’s been very hard.

Also, I just wasn’t ready to be married and especially a father. I had a lot of anger issues with my own parents and was scared to death of doing to my own children what was done to me. My grandfather as great as he was wasn’t able to do everything and even he had to admit that my own parents did nothing for any of us. I sure didn’t want to perpetuate that.

I’ve met some really fantastic women throughout my whole life and in a perfect world I would have loved to have married any of a number of them. I probably could have had an opportunity with someone if I had pursued it in my 20s or even 30s but I was too busy out on the road trying to make a comedy career happen or bank robbery charges not happen.

That whole saga of my life is still a sore spot in my mind. Having to wear a wire and get my best friend in the world to confess he robbed a bank was a torture I don’t wish anyone to ever have to experience. That whole ugly mess took years to play out and it would have put all kinds of major stress on any marriage. I highly doubt it would have survived that.

That being said, all that is over now. I’ve tried to deal with as many family and anger or whatever other issues I’ve had and I can honestly say I’ve done the very best I can. I don’t claim to be perfect but I’m sure headed in a much better direction than I’ve ever been in a life filled with all kinds of detours and distractions. If I’m ever ready for a wife it’s now.

I’ve got a few prospects lined up and I’m not going to worry about it. Those women are swimming in their own issues and they’ve got baggage too. At least at this age I can have a lot more practical experience and wisdom to help me decide if indeed it’s a wise move.

Tonight I drove up to Oconomowoc, WI to visit a woman I haven’t seen in twenty years or more. I knew her in Milwaukee years ago and she was quite the hottie back then. She’s also a dented can but a real sweetheart and I always liked her. She has her own problems but I always respected her because she never gave up and keeps fighting for good to win.

She married a guy and had three beautiful daughters and ended up adopting two others. I reconnected with her on Facebook recently and she’s getting a divorce and invited me to come over for dinner and meet the kids. I really respect her and wouldn’t turn her down.

She’s taking it well but no divorce is pleasant. The kids are fun and sweet and we ended up going out for ice cream after dinner. That’s much better than going on a killing spree.