Friday, October 15, 2010

Nobody Cares But Me

Thursday October 14th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL

   Yeah, yeah. I’m way behind on what I’d hoped I’d have done by now. What’s new with that? That’s a common theme in my life, but in reality I’m the only one that cares about it even a little. If I were to totally stop what I was doing and drift away, it wouldn‘t matter.

   My whole life I’ve had these grandiose dreams and detailed visions of what I wanted to accomplish, and they went crashing into the rocks below unfulfilled. Nobody else cared a bit, but it sure ripped my heart out of my chest. Why is that inner drive ingrained so deep?

   I don’t have a clue. But it is. I’m fighting the battle against the clock that’s shrinking by the day. I feel myself running out of time trying to accomplish the things I see in my head, and that frustrates the hell out of me and only me on a daily basis. At least it’s contained.

   Excellence or achievement comes from within. There has to be a burning desire inside a person to make them want to go that extra mile which often turns out to be a dozen. They can see the goals they want, but if they never reach them the rest of the world isn’t angry.

   I have all I can handle to keep myself on a steady path of growth. I have an inner vision of what I want to accomplish and what I think I want my life to be, but I’ve sure had a ton of distractions take me off whatever course I may have been on. It all seems like a blur in hindsight, and as I try to objectively see where I am in my life I really can’t figure it out.

   I thought my life would be WAY different than it is right now. Some of the things I had in mind are there, but by far not all. I’m struggling to pick a direction, and when I get one I seem to always find a way to get myself in a situation that blows me even farther off the course that I’ve ever been before. Still, I’m the only one who knows that I’m off course.

   That’s what I’m having so much trouble trying to figure out. What if I were to right now be able to completely erase my current hopes and dreams and be completely satisfied with where my life has gone and what I’m doing now? Everything would change in an instant.

   I’m making enough money to survive, I can sleep as late as I want, I don’t have any kids to feed or child support to pay, I can live anywhere I want and my life doesn’t involve any heavy lifting. I live a life of leisure for the most part, and existing isn’t all that difficult.

     I make my living by talking, and if I’d really wanted to, I could have had free booze for a quarter of a century but I decided not to drink. Other people think I’m crazy, and I know they’re right - but I’m still not even close to being satisfied. I want to accomplish a whole lot more than I have in life, but who cares if I don’t? Nobody is pressuring me but me.

  But what am I supposed to do, just give up everything? It sure would be easier that way, but I wouldn’t be satisfied. But, I’m not satisfied now. So what would make me happy? If I knew that for sure, I’d be doing it. Wouldn’t we all? There has to be a lesson in this, but at the moment I can’t locate it. The best we can all do in life is please ourselves. I think.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

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