Boy, talk about your rough starts to a day. I only managed to get about an hour of sleep because I was up late trying to get organized for my trip. I thought I’d be able to get some sleep on the plane, so I pulled an almost all nighter getting work done during quiet time.
Jim McHugh was kind enough to offer to take me to O’Hare airport since he lives close. In turn, he or his wife can have an extra car when I’m gone. That’s a total win/win and we planned on meeting at Jim’s house at 5:45am. I would have been on time until I suddenly remembered I’d forgotten my passport and turned around to go get it. I totally need that.
I’d taken it out of my computer bag when I went to Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago, as I didn’t want to risk losing it. It’s a necessity on cruise ship gigs and to be protected like a newborn baby. No passport, no paycheck. No kidding. I’m very thankful I remembered it.
That would have been a major hassle I really didn’t need. I made it to Jim’s house about 6:10, plenty of time to get to the airport for my 8:25 flight. Normally, Jim is up waiting to go. That guy could have spent time in the military as he’s always punctual to the minute.
Today I noticed his house was totally dark. I figured he must have overslept so I tried to avoid waking his family up by sending him a text message. Then another. Then I tried to call his cell phone. Nothing. I didn’t see his car outside, but sometimes he parks it in the garage. I didn’t want to bother his family, but I also needed to get to the airport on time.
I left a message on his cell phone telling him I’d just drive myself and use the long term parking lot. It’s $15 a day but that’s life. I’m gone for four days so that’s $60 in the shorts but it is tax deductible so I’ll just eat it and shut up. Now I was dealing with a time issue.
I started heading toward the airport from his house, only to realize I wasn’t exactly sure of the correct route to get there. The Kennedy Expressway was jammed so I tried to wind my way through the suburbs and it got pretty hairy as I felt my time window close. I was once again in high stress mode as I swerved in and out of traffic like a NASCAR driver.
I finally made it to the remote parking lot, then checked and rechecked everything over and over again. Passport - check. Work order forms - check. Itinerary - check. Computer - check. I took everything out of my car and put it in the trunk to avoid possible theft bait, and then made my way to the station where the free train was leaving for the terminals.
I kept checking my keys, wallet, phone and mentally going over the other things I had to have the whole time I was walking. My parking spot was close enough to see from where I got on the train, and when it came I looked out to see if I could see my car, and I could.
That’s when I got the sinking feeling that also made me laugh out loud. I’d been so busy trying to go over everything I’d forgotten to turn my lights off. There was my old Toyota, lit up like a Christmas tree in a full parking lot. Looks like I’ll be calling AAA next week.
None of this is the end of the world, and I’m not angry or upset about any of it. It’ll be a minor issue that gets dealt with, and life goes on. Jim overslept, and that happens. I’ll get a jump start from someone and that situation will be over. At least I did have my passport.
The thing that stands out the most about all this is - what does any of it have to do with actual comedy? NOTHING. But then again it totally does. If I can’t get to the gig, I can’t do the show. This is all part of the business nobody ever dreams of when they’re starting.
If someone told me when I started I’d be getting up way earlier than if I had a real job to travel ten times farther than most people go on vacation, I wouldn’t have had a clue what they meant. I sure get it now though, maybe a little too much. Travel is part of this game.
I can’t begin to count the trips I’ve taken that started before dawn in complete darkness, only to end up in some bumpkin infested toilet of a town where the local hoochery put on a half assed attempt at a comedy show. My pay in actual money never made up for all the hard work that went into those trips, but hopefully the experience I gained eventually will.
Long cross country excursions like this beat anybody down. They just do. Hours in a car or bus or train or plane are still hours, and they take a toll over many years. One thing that really gets lost is the thrill of it all. At first, going to new places is a total kick. The effort it takes to get there isn’t an issue. After a while though, it’s the only part that stands out.
One of the things that has really been a pain in the ass is airport security. What a waste of valuable resources that all is in my opinion. Yeah yeah, I know there are maniacs who want to hijack planes. I get that, but can’t we come up with a better system of detection?
99.999% of people just want to get to their destination. Can’t there be a frequent traveler card that says how many times a person has passed through security safely? If a salesman from Omaha has made it through security 300 times with no weapons, what’s the remote chance he’ll show up with an AK 47 in his golf bag? I have to imagine it would be small.
I’m learning the ship gig game and now have a smaller piece of luggage I carry on with me rather than check. I was chosen for ‘random’ searching today and the monkey doing it found a fresh can of shaving cream I just bought. She grabbed onto it like an Oscar award she’d just won and smugly declared to everyone “THIS will NOT be going on the plane.”
“Then how the hell am I supposed to shave?” I said loudly enough for everyone to hear. “I can’t help it if the store didn’t have smaller cans.” And I couldn’t. I got what they had, and now I won’t get to use it because some smart ass clueless loser had to play American hero. She put on a fake smile and sarcastically said “Now YOU have a nice day, huh?”
I wanted to kick her hard in her pie fed ass, and at some point I do hope someone does. Of all today‘s events, that was the one that really twisted my gonads. All the other stuff was random chance. This wasn’t. She could have let the damn thing slide. Do I look like a member of the Taliban? Most of those guys don’t even shave. Let me have my property.
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