Tuesday October 19th, 2010 - Nassau, Bahamas/Charlotte, NC/Chicago, IL These ‘off’ days between the cruise ship gigs are often a lot harder than the actual work days. Getting somewhere is WORK, and it’s especially challenging when the day starts in a foreign country I’ve never been in with no assistance or advice from anyone in charge to point me in the right direction. It can be intimidating, but all I can do is use my logic. My itinerary said I was to disembark the ship at noon today. Usually that involves going to the ship’s main office where I check in and get my passport back and any paperwork or minutia done that I may need to complete. After that, it’s usually a group excursion to the airport where the fare gets split several ways and it’s not a financial burden to one person. Not so today. I went to the office at 11:50 and it was locked. I didn’t see anyone waiting like I usually do, so a tinge of panic did start to reveal itself. I tracked down a security guy who spoke about six words of English, none of which I could identify. He called the desk and I eventually got my passport a few minutes later but not reimbursed for my expenses. The lady in charge gave me my passport and then quickly re-shut the door. I didn’t even get a chance to thank her or ask how I was supposed to get a cab, so I left the ship without a sniff of a hint of a clue where the airport was or how I was going to get myself there for my flight at 2:40. I had a little over two hours to solve that problem and $30 cash to do it. Getting off my ship I noticed three other cruise ships docked all in a row with hundreds if not thousands of passengers out wandering around, chaotically looking for their friends, relatives or anyone else to explain the reason why everything was unorganized as it was. I’d never been to Nassau before, but it looked an awful lot like the other ports I’ve been to so far. I eventually found where the cabs were, and there were a lot more than I had any time to count. They were parked every which way and I was getting shouted at by a bunch of semi toothless hucksters, all vying for my attention. Luckily, a price list was posted. Fare to the airport from downtown Nassau was $27. That would eat my entire budget of $30 but at least I happened to have enough with me. I didn’t see any ATMs close by, and the one on the ship has a $6 transaction fee. Am I a cheapskate about paying that? YES. The person who said he’d take me actually walked me about a block and transferred my business to another cabbie who looked like he played bongo drums for a reggae band. My suspicions rose, but what could I do? I had to get to the airport so I had to trust this guy to get me there without carving me up for parts on the black market. I followed reluctantly. We walked another block in the heat to a Dodge minivan that was in such cruddy shape it made ME flinch, and that takes a lot after all the rattletraps I’ve owned in my life. This was a junker, complete with bald tires with no hubcaps, dents in the fender and of course NO air conditioning whatsoever. The seat was carved up and only one bolt held it in. The driver didn’t help me with my bag like they usually do, and I got in and swallowed hard. Here’s me - a lily white cheese head from Milwaukee in downtown Nassau, Bahamas in a broken down jalopy cab at the mercy of a guy with dreadlocks who looks like the star of last week’s episode of America’s Most Wanted. Not only that, I only had $30 to my name and should he decide that wasn’t enough, he could have had me wacked without fanfare. Two blocks into our trip, he flagged down a guy who was driving an SUV with Oakland Raiders logos all over it of all things. Even though I’m not a native, I was able to surmise correctly it wasn’t an official Bahamas government welcome vehicle and started to panic. It was even worse when he stopped the cab in the middle of the busy street and went to visit with the driver of the SUV, who I noticed not only also had dreadlocks, but a full set of gold colored teeth across the front of his mouth which would have made it easy to pick him out of a police lineup - which I was beginning to think I may have to do eventually. I’m not going to lie, I was scared to death for about five minutes as the two exchanged a wildly animated dialogue that eventually involved onlookers, and I knew it wasn’t a bible study debate. These guys were hard core, and all I could do was bake in my own sweat. He did come back eventually, but didn’t offer any apologies nor did I ask for one. I shut my mouth and sat quietly as we wound our way through the streets of Nassau. It was even scarier than it should have been because they drive European style on the left side of their roads, and it’s not at all what I’m used to. All that did was make me feel more uneasy as I wondered if I’d ever get to the airport or make it back to the USA alive. I wasn‘t certain. Then the guy started a conversation and told me he’d been arrested for selling one of his passengers drugs, and it turned out to be a drug enforcement officer. He has a trial coming up in February and it’s going to cost him $1500 he doesn’t have. I tried to make a joke to cut the tension, but he wasn’t in a very laughing mood as he continued on with his story. The one bolt holding my seat on was loose, and every time he gunned it through one of the zig zag streets of Nassau, the seat would shift and make a loud clunking sound that he didn’t seem to notice, even after about 500 times. I expected the seat to snap off and send me flying out the window onto the street, but mercifully after 40 minutes it didn’t happen. I was never so glad to see an airport in my life. I have to get a receipt to get reimbursed for my expenses, and the look on his face when I asked for one made me think he’d snap and carve me up for fish bait. He got a pad out and had no idea what to write, so I said I’d fill it out later. I tried to be polite and thank him, but he was gone before the door closed. I won’t soon forget that cab ride, and there’s nobody else to share this memory. Each of my other experiences leaving a ship in a foreign country involved other performers and at least partially friendly cab drivers. This guy was a criminal, and it was just the two of us. I had to fly to Charlotte before catching my connecting flight to O’Hare and I’ve never ever been so glad to get caught in Chicago traffic as I was tonight. I never dreamed of anything like this being part of my work day when I started out in comedy. Surprises keep coming.
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