Sunday January 2nd, 2011 - Miami, FL No question about it anymore - I’m officially old. I found myself watching ‘60 Minutes’ today. On purpose. I remember my how my grandpa used to love that show and wouldn’t miss it for anything. He planned his week around it and that’s the one time I couldn’t talk to him. I used to hate that show almost as much as Hee Haw, which my grandma loved. Today there was a great feature on Wynton Marsalis. I’ve always liked that guy because of the passion he has for his craft. He’s always working on improving himself and spreads his music around for the love of it. I hope he’s wealthy, but if he isn’t he sure seems to be enjoying himself. That’s what life is all about, and I really respect the guy. It inspired me. I also felt old watching the Seattle Seahawks play the St. Louis Rams tonight and seeing Charlie Whitehurst play quarterback for Seattle. I still remember his father David playing for the Green Bay Packers in the ‘70s when the team was horrible. My childhood lives on, but only in memory. The real world is passing me by, and my generation is fading fast. I saw a frightening news report yesterday that 10,000 baby boomers a day are turning 65 and the health care system isn’t going to be able to handle it. One lady interviewed said it was a full time job just to stay healthy at age 65. I felt my prostate enlarge as I watched. There’s no excuse anymore, I really do have to take better care of myself physically. I’m a lot closer to 50 than 20 and time isn’t on my side anymore. Health issues sneak up like a burglar, and before I know it my valuables are gone forever. I need to address this before I let it get any further. Nobody can do it for me, this is an individual issue for every human. The problem is, fat and sugar taste so damn good. Sitting around doing absolutely zilch is WAY more fun than going to the gym and running on a treadmill or lifting those heavy weights in a sweaty room full of farting apes. A healthy lifestyle requires effort. Period. I’ve said I’m going to do it before, and I do - for a while. A short while. Then I drift out of it again for whatever reason, usually lack of time. I’m not fooling anybody by trying to make excuses, especially me. Exercise isn‘t fun, and I haven’t been in top shape for years. I haven’t even been in medium shape. I stopped playing sports in my late twenties and it shows. I doubt if I could do ten pushups or run a 100 yard dash without having to have an ambulance within seeing distance before I started. The truth is, I’m asking for big trouble. My grandpa had a heart bypass in his late 50s, and it was a major deal back then. He did smoke for years, and his diet was probably close to being as bad as mine, but maybe not. I think there are more unhealthy things to eat available more readily now than ever before. I’d hate to think I came all this way and worked this hard on my comedy, only to have a grabber take me out with one punch. That could easily happen, and if I don’t change soon and drastically, it won’t be long. If there’s a smart project to take on in 2011, this is it. I know I’m not alone in this, and it sucks. Who wants to deny themselves delicious food and have to be careful about every little thing that goes into one’s mouth? It’s a cruel joke to finally have the money and means to enjoy some of the finer things, and then not get to go nuts because of health reasons. Someone in charge has to be laughing about all of this. But, it is what it is. I had years, no - decades of scarfing every and anything I could pack down my hole without thinking twice. I’ve eaten in some of the finest restaurants in all of North America, and gotten to sample some absolutely scrumptious food during that time. Celery stalks dipped in low fat yogurt for my lunch just doesn’t get me excited, even if I was eating it served on Cindy Crawford’s ass. Tofu and skim milk don’t do it. Pastrami or corned beef and Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry soda do. Those days are over. Hello, oatmeal. I know my water intake is probably way below the optimal amount as well. Every time I have ever gone to see anyone in any form of medical position, I get warned to drink more water. I try to do it at times, but then I pee so much I wear out shoes finding a bathroom. Plus, I don’t think I’m going to be able to change it all in a day, week, month or even an entire year. I’ve got all kinds of special sauce from every fast food restaurant in existence encrusted throughout my entire colon like leaves in a drain pipe. I need to really start over and flush as much of it out and let my body heal itself. I don’t want my colon like Elvis’s. Supposedly his looked like a picnic ham and John Wayne’s wasn’t much better. He ate enough red meat to qualify for vampire status and I think I’m getting close. I love meat of all kinds, but red is especially delicious. Rare steaks are the best in taste, but probably the worst in every other category. And don’t get me started on hotdogs. They’re yummy too. My carcinogen and free radical levels must be right up there with the amount of nuclear fallout they found in Nagasaki’s water supply. I like preservatives, chemicals and all other edible treats bad for me. MSG? Yummy! How about washing it down with some Pepsi? That being said, I hung out with Hal Spear today in Miami for a few hours while we had some time before the ship left with a new load of passengers. Hal is a very nice guy and is a wealth of comedy information. He’s a total student of the game, as am I. We are both on the same page about a lot of things, and it’s a rare treat to be able to talk shop on the ship. Hal is extremely creative. He’s written several movie treatments and scripts, and also is an inventor of magic tricks of all things. We visited a magic shop in downtown Miami for a few minutes coming from lunch, and it was fun to watch the guys there sell the tricks. It’s very similar to the concept of Uranus Factory Outlet. I want to sell funny gimmicks on the internet, and marketing is the key. The guys working the booth were slick and very entertaining. It was a treat to watch them work, as it was to walk around Miami in perfect sunny weather. Then Hal and I went to a fish joint and I had twin lobster tails on special. Up goes my cholesterol, butter intake, but also my self awareness. I have to watch myself.
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