Sunday November 7th, 2010 - Nassau, Bahamas I am SO ready to go home. I know I should be loving every minute of being in a tropical climate just when it’s starting to get cold back home, but that isn’t the point. In the past, it was all of what my life was about - pleasing myself. Everything was about me, and trying to find myself. I didn’t see that then, but it’s crystal clear now. Comedy was my identity. All I cared about was getting on stage and hearing those laughs. I wanted to see any new place I could, thinking maybe it might be better than where I came from. I was attempting to fill a major hole I didn’t realize was there until years later. No matter how many places I could have seen or achievements in comedy I could have made, it wouldn’t have helped. The dents in my can weren’t able to be pounded out by the things I was chasing, and it’s a common mistake almost all entertainers make. They think fame and fortune or whatever their definition of success is will heal the hurts in the deepest part of their souls. Not true. I can really feel myself growing and improving as a person in the last few years, and my needs and wants are changing completely. Yes, I want to be financially set but not for the same reasons as I used to. I used to joke about sticking it to those I can’t stand, and it was fun to think about it but now I couldn’t care less about the people I don’t like. Who cares? There aren’t all that many of them anyway. Those few wank poles aren’t worth my time or energy to even mention their names. What I do want more than ever is to give to others that can really use it. I can’t cure hunger or poverty on a large scale, but if I can do a bit of good for those in my immediate circle - THAT’S what life is all about. It’s not about me. I know that’s corny and sappy and I don’t deny I’m a cornball. But I’m dead on serious when I say I feel like a total loser because of how little I’ve contributed to the good of the lives of others. I feel like I’ve tried to do good things, but looking back at the uneven path I’ve left as I’ve stumbled through life it embarrasses me to see how little I’ve done at all. I’ve been so busy trying to struggle through one problem after another, I haven’t had the time to build a life for myself. It’s just been an existence, and I can feel whatever little bit of a thrill there might have been from that wear off quickly. I’ve seen a lot of places and it was a lot of fun to do it in my 20s when I could enjoy it. Now, I sit here drifting. Literally. I’m on a ship drifting through the Caribbean, holed up in a tiny cabin like a zoo animal. I’m getting paid for shows at night, and working on my future during the day. That’s nice, but today I just hit a wall. I got off the ship in Nassau, Bahamas and Just June and I went sight seeing around town. She’s been here before and was a knowledgeable tour guide. There’s a spectacular resort called The Atlantis where there’s a comedy club that’s been around for twenty years. I had no idea it was even there, so that further proves how out of touch I am. We walked around and had a delicious lunch of conch salad and conch fritters and a fried fish that came with the head still attached, but it was delicious beyond words. Moments like this are what the road is all about. I’ve had countless delicious meals like this in countless places all across North America, and I’m grateful for every bite of every one of them. BUT, there comes a time when that doesn’t make up for other missing parts. So many comedians try to patch that hole with drugs and alcohol. I sure am glad I never went down that path. I’d really be miserable. Unfortunately, comedy isn’t it either. It’s my craft and has allowed me to see a lot of places, but it’s not the end all and be all anymore. I never thought I’d say that, but it’s totally true. It doesn’t mean I don’t still love to be a comedian, because I do. I just know now that whatever I was seeking for so many years of looking for it wasn’t ever going to be found doing what I was doing. I was chasing wind. So what is important? Family and friends. Period. Relationships with quality people in a situation where both parties grow in a positive way. Yes, we all need money and material things to survive, but the true thing in life that really makes it worth living is to belong to a family of some sort. It doesn’t have to be a blood family, although I think it would help. I saw a bunch of people from the boat walking around Nassau today in clumps, cameras in hand taking pictures of each other next to interesting sights. I could feel their closeness, and it made me wish I could have that. Whatever went wrong in my own family is an ugly mess, and at this point it seems so pointless and unnecessary. But, it’s still where it sits. It would be really great to patch things up with my siblings, but the harder I’ve tried the worse that’s gone. I can’t say I’m sorry any more, and I meant it. Now it’s on them, and it doesn’t seem to mean anything like it does to me. I can’t control how others feel about the same things I do, but it blows my mind how insane this all is. Why is life such a mystery? None of this has anything to do with comedy, but then it totally does. I hope people like Richard Pryor and Rodney Dangerfield and Sam Kinison found happiness before they all passed away. They were dented cans too, and their comedy reached the masses a lot more than mine has. They were all smart and I’m sure had a lot of the same thoughts I do now. I think it’s much more important to work on the inner self as life goes on. I don’t care if I never play the Hollywood game, that won’t insure happiness. I want to have a place I’m able to call home, surrounded with people who might even (gasp) love me. That’s so odd to say, because I don’t think I even know what love is. I sure haven’t felt it from a family. This is the cruel part of being a dented can. It’s like an engine trying to run without any oil. Love is the oil that makes the engine of life run smoothly, and my dipstick shows I’m several quarts low. No matter how good that fish tasted today, this isn’t where I’ll find it. It sounds even odder, but I really want to go home to Milwaukee and make a real entity out of the ‘Schlitz Happened!’ play and be a part of the community. It will always be my home town, and running from that won’t prove anything. I want to help others, but I also want to help myself. I want a family and be able to spend quality time being with them.
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